Joy!!!

    Last year was my first year for blogging and I started it because we were moving and it was going to be a big change for us. I wanted to be able to see how everything would fall into place with the move and how we would transition into everything. Well this year I was trying to come up with a "theme" for my blog and my word for the year is Joy so I decided that's what my blog will be about. I want to really focus on Joy because I feel like there's so much negativity around us and it just drags us down, I know that I could be more joyful too and I think that this will help keep me focused on that. So as my first official post of the new year, this one is going out to my fabulous hubby. Warning, cheesiness ahead!!!! ;)                      



  Lamar has brought me so much joy this last year, he's held me when I would do nothing but cry, he's taken care of the kids when I just needed a little extra time to myself, and he's been incredibly forgiving when I'm just completely irrational. I know I've said this before but we've gotten so much closer this past year and I know we wouldn't be where we are if it wouldn't have been for the move. I feel like I've gotten to know him all over again and it's just been amazing. We've learned to laugh together again and we totally content just hanging out on the couch watching movies on the weekend. We're continuing to grow together and we want to keep improving our marriage, I definitely couldn't have asked for a better husband. I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again. I'm really excited to see what God has in store for us this year, after the big move last year and we made it through that, I feel like we can make it through anything. I love you babe!

Goodbye 2011

  So I know it's not quite the end of the year just yet but today I've just been reflecting a lot and I just decided to make this my last post of the year. As most of you know, this year was pretty difficult for me but would I change it, absolutely not. We moved to Morton in March and I'm pretty sure that I have never cried as much as I did when all the boxes were unpacked and my friends and family left us here all by ourselves. I didn't think that I would ever adjust to being away from Arthur, Lamar and I both grew up there and all our friends and family were still there. I just felt like we were missing out on so much. I never thought that this move would have been so difficult, for some reason I thought that things wouldn't change that much, friendships would stay the same, we'd go to back to Arthur to visit and it would be like we never left. Wow, was I wrong. Most of our friendships have stayed the same but unfortunately some have changed but that's to be expected and I realize that now. Moving is never easy and things will never stay the same, I wish someone would have told me that before I had to figure it out on my own. But with this move I've had to step out and do things that I thought I couldn't do. Was it easy to put myself out there? No it was not, but I also learned that I can do it and it's not always going to be easy but I also can't sit in my house and become the weirdo neighbor that never leaves her house ;)
      This past year has brought Lamar and I closer, we've learned to rely on each other more then what we ever did before. I feel like we've learned to have fun with each other again and we're ok with hanging out with just each other. Yes I know that we've been married for 9 years but when you have kids and work that seems to get in the way sometimes, so yes we've learned to become friends again and not just a married couple. Our relationship is the best it's ever been and I don't think we'd be here today if it wouldn't have been for us moving. I'm so thankful that God has called us to help with this church plant. I feel like I'm slowly, very slowly becoming the woman that God wants me to be and I don't think I would have been able to do that if we continued to live in Arthur. Not that living in Arthur is a bad thing but you just get stuck in a rut and well, God likes to shake things up every now and then ;) As I look back over this year, it definitely hasn't been easy but it's been an amazing thing to see God work His way in our lives. I'm ready to put this year behind us and see what 2012 has in store for us. I have a feeling 2012 is going to be another year of changes but I say bring it on. I'm ready for it :)

Happy Anniversary!!!!

  Today is mine and Lamar's 9 year anniversary so I decided that I'm going to "dedicate" this post to my fabulous husband. We've definitely had our ups and downs and somedays I didn't think that we were ever going to make it. Now, I feel like we are in the best place we've ever been and it can only continue to get better. This move has made me realize lots of things and one of those things is that I didn't think that I could be any more in love with Lamar but guess what??? I am, I feel like I continue to fall in love with him more and more everyday. He truly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him, he's seen me at my absolute worst and he still loves me, and that says a lot because believe me, I've been horrible. I've hurt him numerous times and he's forgiven me time and time again. I honestly couldn't ask for a better husband, even thought growing up I thought I would marry a bad a$$ who drove a muscle car, had tattoos, you know that type of guy. Boy was I wrong, I married the whitest white boy I know(sorry babe it's true) All I can do is thank God that He brought us together, He definitely knew what He was doing. I can't wait to see what the next 9 years hold for us, all I know is that as long as I'm with Lamar it'll be great. I love you so much Lamar and I don't know what I would do without. Sorry guys for being so cheesy ;)

Just when I thought I was ok......

  So tonight has been a bit of a struggle for me, Lamar is out of town until tomorrow and the last few times he's been gone I've been totally fine with staying by myself. Unfortunately tonight is a struggle and I'm not sure why. I thought I was over this whole thing but apparently not, it's not only frustrating for me but it's frustrating for Lamar. Mainly because it makes it difficult for Lamar when he does leave. I have all this anxiety right now and I just want to be done with it, I want to be done with this whole thing. When Lamar asks what he can do to help, I want to just tell him to find another job, obviously that can't happen. So I guess I need to put my big girl pants on and deal with this head on. I was talking to Lamar earlier tonight about how I was feeling and he told me he would pray for me, so he called back about 20 min. later to see how I was doing and he told me that as he was praying he felt like God showed him 2 things. One was that God has a plan for our future and basically He's not going to let anything happen to me, He's here to protect me. That definitely made me feel so much better and the other thing was that maybe I need to blog about this, so here I am blogging about freaking out by staying by myself.......again. I just want these feelings to be gone, I don't want them to come back. All I'm asking is to have the anxiety gone and feel safe staying by myself. I know I'm going to have to continue praying through this to get where I want to be. So that's what I'll do, I'll keep praying and face this head on. I'm not going to let this beat me!!!!!!

    Yes, yes it's been awhile since I've posted something but I haven't really had anything to talk about....until now ;) So before we moved to Morton I had a bit of a complex, ok well I have lots of them but I'm just talking about 1 in particular right now. For some reason, I didn't like being known as "Tanya Kauffman" the girl who used to party non-stop, the girl who used to date Lamar's best friend, Angie, Lisa, and Wendall's sister....you guys get the idea. I wanted to be known just as Tanya Schrock, and I realized tonight that that's who I am, just good ol' Tanya. So I need to back up a bit to let you know how I got to this point, hold on because it's super exciting, haha. I started going to a bible study at Grace Church here in Morton and the 2nd week I went I met this super sweet lady named Sonja. She was just one of those ladies that you know she is truly genuine and just has a good heart. We've been talking the last couple of weeks and I ran into her tonight at Peyton's soccer game(her son is on the same team as Peyton) well she introduced me to this other lady and so we were all chatting for a bit. And Sonja had told this other lady why we moved and all that good stuff, well as we continued talking it hit me. No one knows me as Tanya Kauffman, they know me as Tanya Schrock, the girl who's family moved to help with a church plant. I feel like God is saying that this is a new start for me and that I don't have to live in anyone's shadow. Now I don't want you to think that I don't want anyone to know my family or what I've been through or anything like that because I do love my family but sometimes it's nice to just be known for me. I just love seeing how God works, I mean, something like this might not be that big of a deal to someone else but for me, it's a pretty big deal. I have to say that I'm pretty excited to have a new start and I'm so thankful that God opened my eyes to this.

  Well I thought I was over this emotional roller coaster but apparently I'm not :( This week for some reason, has been particularly difficult for me, I have no idea why and I hate it. I've just felt this intense loneliness and I haven't felt this way for months now and I feel like it's back with a vengeance. I'm slowly feeling friends slip away and it kills me, I know things change when someone makes a move like we did, I know all that stuff but it's still so hard. I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will be fine but for now, I'm sitting here completely heartbroken because I miss my friends and that's all there is to it.

Another Breakthrough :)

  Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything on here, I've just been feeling blah and haven't felt like posting anything lately. Well I had a breakthrough and thought that this is definitely post-worthy. Most of you know that since we've moved I've had issues with staying by myself, I don't know why because before we moved I could stay by myself. It was getting really frustrating for Lamar and I because we've prayed about it and had other people praying for me and nothing, I almost felt like it was getting worse rather then getting better. I actually told Lamar that he just needs to find another job because this whole traveling thing isn't working out for me. So last Sunday Ben was talking about how to live your life more like Jesus and one thing that Jesus never struggled with was fear and worry, of course that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes I want to live my life like Jesus so I'm sitting there thinking how have I been living my life since we moved? I've been living in nothing but fear and worry. I decided that I'm done with that and I'm completely trusting in God to get through this, you think I would have thought about that before. Anyway, Lamar left early Wednesday morning and thankfully my day was somewhat busy, it helped keep my mind off that fact that I do have to stay by myself. With lots and lots of prayer that day I was able to do it, I stayed by myself and I was able to get a good night's rest too(normally I would be up all night) I know this might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it was and is definitely a huge deal to me to be able to do this. I know it's a huge relief for Lamar and I too. So thanks again for all your prayers, I know I couldn't have done it without them.