Goodbye 2011

  So I know it's not quite the end of the year just yet but today I've just been reflecting a lot and I just decided to make this my last post of the year. As most of you know, this year was pretty difficult for me but would I change it, absolutely not. We moved to Morton in March and I'm pretty sure that I have never cried as much as I did when all the boxes were unpacked and my friends and family left us here all by ourselves. I didn't think that I would ever adjust to being away from Arthur, Lamar and I both grew up there and all our friends and family were still there. I just felt like we were missing out on so much. I never thought that this move would have been so difficult, for some reason I thought that things wouldn't change that much, friendships would stay the same, we'd go to back to Arthur to visit and it would be like we never left. Wow, was I wrong. Most of our friendships have stayed the same but unfortunately some have changed but that's to be expected and I realize that now. Moving is never easy and things will never stay the same, I wish someone would have told me that before I had to figure it out on my own. But with this move I've had to step out and do things that I thought I couldn't do. Was it easy to put myself out there? No it was not, but I also learned that I can do it and it's not always going to be easy but I also can't sit in my house and become the weirdo neighbor that never leaves her house ;)
      This past year has brought Lamar and I closer, we've learned to rely on each other more then what we ever did before. I feel like we've learned to have fun with each other again and we're ok with hanging out with just each other. Yes I know that we've been married for 9 years but when you have kids and work that seems to get in the way sometimes, so yes we've learned to become friends again and not just a married couple. Our relationship is the best it's ever been and I don't think we'd be here today if it wouldn't have been for us moving. I'm so thankful that God has called us to help with this church plant. I feel like I'm slowly, very slowly becoming the woman that God wants me to be and I don't think I would have been able to do that if we continued to live in Arthur. Not that living in Arthur is a bad thing but you just get stuck in a rut and well, God likes to shake things up every now and then ;) As I look back over this year, it definitely hasn't been easy but it's been an amazing thing to see God work His way in our lives. I'm ready to put this year behind us and see what 2012 has in store for us. I have a feeling 2012 is going to be another year of changes but I say bring it on. I'm ready for it :)

Happy Anniversary!!!!

  Today is mine and Lamar's 9 year anniversary so I decided that I'm going to "dedicate" this post to my fabulous husband. We've definitely had our ups and downs and somedays I didn't think that we were ever going to make it. Now, I feel like we are in the best place we've ever been and it can only continue to get better. This move has made me realize lots of things and one of those things is that I didn't think that I could be any more in love with Lamar but guess what??? I am, I feel like I continue to fall in love with him more and more everyday. He truly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him, he's seen me at my absolute worst and he still loves me, and that says a lot because believe me, I've been horrible. I've hurt him numerous times and he's forgiven me time and time again. I honestly couldn't ask for a better husband, even thought growing up I thought I would marry a bad a$$ who drove a muscle car, had tattoos, you know that type of guy. Boy was I wrong, I married the whitest white boy I know(sorry babe it's true) All I can do is thank God that He brought us together, He definitely knew what He was doing. I can't wait to see what the next 9 years hold for us, all I know is that as long as I'm with Lamar it'll be great. I love you so much Lamar and I don't know what I would do without. Sorry guys for being so cheesy ;)

Just when I thought I was ok......

  So tonight has been a bit of a struggle for me, Lamar is out of town until tomorrow and the last few times he's been gone I've been totally fine with staying by myself. Unfortunately tonight is a struggle and I'm not sure why. I thought I was over this whole thing but apparently not, it's not only frustrating for me but it's frustrating for Lamar. Mainly because it makes it difficult for Lamar when he does leave. I have all this anxiety right now and I just want to be done with it, I want to be done with this whole thing. When Lamar asks what he can do to help, I want to just tell him to find another job, obviously that can't happen. So I guess I need to put my big girl pants on and deal with this head on. I was talking to Lamar earlier tonight about how I was feeling and he told me he would pray for me, so he called back about 20 min. later to see how I was doing and he told me that as he was praying he felt like God showed him 2 things. One was that God has a plan for our future and basically He's not going to let anything happen to me, He's here to protect me. That definitely made me feel so much better and the other thing was that maybe I need to blog about this, so here I am blogging about freaking out by staying by myself.......again. I just want these feelings to be gone, I don't want them to come back. All I'm asking is to have the anxiety gone and feel safe staying by myself. I know I'm going to have to continue praying through this to get where I want to be. So that's what I'll do, I'll keep praying and face this head on. I'm not going to let this beat me!!!!!!

    Yes, yes it's been awhile since I've posted something but I haven't really had anything to talk about....until now ;) So before we moved to Morton I had a bit of a complex, ok well I have lots of them but I'm just talking about 1 in particular right now. For some reason, I didn't like being known as "Tanya Kauffman" the girl who used to party non-stop, the girl who used to date Lamar's best friend, Angie, Lisa, and Wendall's sister....you guys get the idea. I wanted to be known just as Tanya Schrock, and I realized tonight that that's who I am, just good ol' Tanya. So I need to back up a bit to let you know how I got to this point, hold on because it's super exciting, haha. I started going to a bible study at Grace Church here in Morton and the 2nd week I went I met this super sweet lady named Sonja. She was just one of those ladies that you know she is truly genuine and just has a good heart. We've been talking the last couple of weeks and I ran into her tonight at Peyton's soccer game(her son is on the same team as Peyton) well she introduced me to this other lady and so we were all chatting for a bit. And Sonja had told this other lady why we moved and all that good stuff, well as we continued talking it hit me. No one knows me as Tanya Kauffman, they know me as Tanya Schrock, the girl who's family moved to help with a church plant. I feel like God is saying that this is a new start for me and that I don't have to live in anyone's shadow. Now I don't want you to think that I don't want anyone to know my family or what I've been through or anything like that because I do love my family but sometimes it's nice to just be known for me. I just love seeing how God works, I mean, something like this might not be that big of a deal to someone else but for me, it's a pretty big deal. I have to say that I'm pretty excited to have a new start and I'm so thankful that God opened my eyes to this.

  Well I thought I was over this emotional roller coaster but apparently I'm not :( This week for some reason, has been particularly difficult for me, I have no idea why and I hate it. I've just felt this intense loneliness and I haven't felt this way for months now and I feel like it's back with a vengeance. I'm slowly feeling friends slip away and it kills me, I know things change when someone makes a move like we did, I know all that stuff but it's still so hard. I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will be fine but for now, I'm sitting here completely heartbroken because I miss my friends and that's all there is to it.

Another Breakthrough :)

  Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything on here, I've just been feeling blah and haven't felt like posting anything lately. Well I had a breakthrough and thought that this is definitely post-worthy. Most of you know that since we've moved I've had issues with staying by myself, I don't know why because before we moved I could stay by myself. It was getting really frustrating for Lamar and I because we've prayed about it and had other people praying for me and nothing, I almost felt like it was getting worse rather then getting better. I actually told Lamar that he just needs to find another job because this whole traveling thing isn't working out for me. So last Sunday Ben was talking about how to live your life more like Jesus and one thing that Jesus never struggled with was fear and worry, of course that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes I want to live my life like Jesus so I'm sitting there thinking how have I been living my life since we moved? I've been living in nothing but fear and worry. I decided that I'm done with that and I'm completely trusting in God to get through this, you think I would have thought about that before. Anyway, Lamar left early Wednesday morning and thankfully my day was somewhat busy, it helped keep my mind off that fact that I do have to stay by myself. With lots and lots of prayer that day I was able to do it, I stayed by myself and I was able to get a good night's rest too(normally I would be up all night) I know this might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it was and is definitely a huge deal to me to be able to do this. I know it's a huge relief for Lamar and I too. So thanks again for all your prayers, I know I couldn't have done it without them.

Rhino's??????

   So I have a funny story to share with you all. Most of you know that I went back on medication because I've really been struggling with anxiety and I don't really sleep that well. So I went to the dr. last week and he perscribed me some anti-anxiety meds and he also perscribed me ambien to help me sleep. He told me that one of the side effects of taking ambien is sleep walking....awesome. Well I was telling C about it and she told me that she's actually heard of people getting in their car and driving off so she told Lamar that he better hide my keys. Ok well thankfully none of those things happened to me last night but apparently I was talking lots of non-sense. I just remember talking a lot and Lamar telling me to just go to sleep, well he told me this morning that I infromed him there was a rhinoceros in the bathroom and he's going to be awhile so Lamar should just go ahead of him. Of course it's no Michael Jordan or buffalo dream(right L) but I still thought it was rather amusing. I will be taking a very small dose from now on, but hey at least I got a good night's sleep :)
  On another note, I have to give a big shout out to my awesome hubby. When I told him that I thought I needed to go back on meds. he didn't blink an eye. He just said ok, if that's what you need to do. I'm just so glad that I have such an amazing hubby who supports me no matter what. I'm just glad that he doesn't think I'm crazy and he loves me no matter what I'm going through and he supports with whatever I have to do to get better. So thanks babe, you really are the best. I love you!!!!

Admitting it is always the first step.....

  Why is it always so hard to admit when there's a problem? Maybe it's because we don't want people to think that we're going crazy or insane so we keep it bottled up until we feel like we're going to explode. And then when we actually do talk about it and let it out, it's a huge relief, it's weird how I always forget that. This season of life has turned out to be more difficult then I thought it would be, I wanted to appear strong and make people believe that I can actually do this, which I can do this but I just need a little help to balance things out and I just want to feel normal again.  There were days when the anxiety, fear, and worry just got to be to much for me and I just couldn't handle it anymore so that's why I'm going back on meds. until I can get this whole thing figured out. I know you all are probably thinking why in the world is she putting this in her blog, but I process things better this way and well it's my blog and I pretty much put everything out there. Like I said before I just want to feel normal again and I want to be happy again, I really didn't think it would be this hard but apparently it is. I'm just glad that I'm open about it now and it's out there and hopefully, I can get this thing figured out so if you can keep me in your prayers I would really appreciate. Thanks guys :)

Even the strong struggle.

  Last night we had our 2nd. "soft" service at Ben & Tina's and so on the way home I was asking Lamar how his prayer time went. I realized that even though he's been incredibly strong for me with all the stuff I'm dealing with that he's also struggling with things too. Lamar definitely doesn't put his struggles out there for everyone to see like I do but sometimes you forget that even the strongest people in the world still have down days. As we were talking last night we both said that we're so tired emotionally, mentally, and physically, now I knew this move would not be easy but I didn't think that we would be getting hit with one thing right after the other. Someone told Lamar last night that when we make a move like this, for God, that Satan pulls out all the stops trying to discourage us and whatever else he can do. Both Lamar and I know that this move was right for us and I know that God never said it would be easy but somedays it's hard to not think about how "easy" things were before we moved. I know we just have to get through this rough patch and yes, it's hard for me to not think about the fact that there might be something else waiting for us when we get through this rough time but I know that  God's going to help us get through this and He's also going to help us with anything else that comes up. Now, for me, it's definitely hard to remember God is always there, He might not come to our rescue right away but He's always there. I don't know why that's so hard to remember because when I look back over the years and all the stupid things I've done, He's there in every situation, He's saved me, He's protected me, and yet it's still hard for me to remember that. As I'm writing this I'm just reminded that when I do have a rough day or I'm struggling with something then I just let it consume me and I try to deal with it and fix it myself, and let me tell that has NEVER worked. You would think I would have that figured out by now ;)
   So I do have one more thing to add and this is more of me asking for prayer. Most of you know that I've been struggling with anxiety and fear and this past week it just seemed to be worse. I told Lamar last night that it's almost a crippling thing, to the point where I don't want to leave the house or anything like that, but then when Lamar is gone I don't want to be in this house. Yes, it's so weird I know but it's just how I feel. So basically I'm asking for an extra dose of prayer and maybe some insight or anything, I'm trying so hard to get over this fear and anxiety and I want to be free from it but it just seems like it's getting worse.

Changing my way of thinking.

   As most of you know that since we've moved we've had our share of challenges and yes, it's so hard to NOT focus on all the things that have gone wrong and just things that we've struggled with. I mean it's really hard to not think about our drain backing up 4 different times, the basment flooding, spending all day trying to unclog the toilet, fixing the car, needing new tires for the car immediately, so far I think that's everything....for now. So I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things that have happened and everything that we've been blessed with. We have a great house for hosting small group, cook outs or just having friends come and visit for the weekend, we live in a safe and quiet neighborhood. Lamar has a great job that has allowed him to work from home and has also allowed me to be a stay at home mom, although there are some days that I wish I did have a job. We have 2 healthy kids that are bursting with energy, I have some pretty great friends who even though we've moved, they've definitely stayed in touch and made the effort to keep the friendship going. And most of all, I have God in my life and no matter what He's always going to take care of us, no matter what happens. He's never let me down so why would He start now. I think the coolest thing is that even though we have all these extra bills right now, it always seems that we have enough money in the bank to cover those bills for that month, so thank you God :) It's so easy to sit back and focus on all the things that seem to be going wrong in your life, but after I have my little sulking moment , I'm always reminded that it could be worse.

  So it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything and I thought it was about time I posted again. Lamar has been busy laying the tile in the basement, he actually finished that a couple of weeks ago and we painted the basement too so hopefully we are finished with painting and laying tile and all that stuff for a long, long time. It just seems like since we've moved here that there's been all these little things that we HAVE to fix and it gets really frustrating, I know that everything happens for a reason but I just want to know why the basement flooded, or why I now have this fear of staying by myself, why was the car not driving like it should and having to get that fixed...etc. I might not ever know the reason why these things happened and I have to be ok with it, it's just super frustrating. One of my friends was texting me yesterday and she just reminded me that no matter what God is going to take care of us, sometimes it's nice to hear that because I have a tendancy to forget that.
  So on a brighter note, we have a building for the church and I'm so excited about it. We're not exactly sure of the launch date just yet, but hey, at least we have a building. It's so exciting to look back over the past year and see how this entire process has unfolded. There was a little part of me that never thought we'd actually move with this church plant but I'm so glad we did, I love being there/here from the beginning. I remember our first meeting with Ben & Tina at their house in Champaign and I was so nervous, I let Lamar do all the talking that night, shocking I know ;) but I remember getting in the car on our way home just crying and telling Lamar that I'm not sure that I feel called to do this but knowing in my heart that this is what we are supposed to do. And now, 16 months later we're here, we have a church building, and we're starting small group this week. Aaaagggghhhh so exciting!!!!!! Anyway that's all I have right now, I will try to do better about posting, because my posts or soooooo exciting(insert saracasim)

  So today I took the kids to Mcdonald's for lunch and then I let them play in the playplace for awhile. We were there pretty early so my kids were the only ones there for awhile, well as I was watching other kids come in for lunch and then off to play I had to ask myself why we can't be more like kids. The reason I was asking myself this is because kids make friends so easily, Lauren was the only girl there for a bit and then this other girl showed up and she walked right up to Lauren and just smiled at her and asked if she wanted to play, they ran off together and had a great time. Obviously we can't walk up to an adult and ask if they want to play, I'm sure if we did we would get some weird looks. But seriously, I wish it would be that easy to walk up to someone and smile and say hey you want to be my friend. I know that as adults we're definitely a lot more guarded and that can be a good thing, sometimes. Who knew Mcdonald's could be so thought provoaking ;)

  Being a parent is THE hardest job in the world, and this week just reminded me how difficult it can be. The kids have been fighting non-stop all week, and it's about rediculous stuff and it's just constant. There's only so much fighting you can take before you feel like you're going to lose it. Sometimes I just want to put them in a room and let them fight it out, even if they beat each other up, at this point I just want the fighting to stop. I feel like I've tried everything, spanking, making them play separately, no tv, no video games, and nothing seems to help. Maybe I just need a break from them, I don't know but something has got to change or this momma is going to be in the looney bin. Don't get me wrong I love my kids but sometimes they drive me crazy. And then of course I question my parenting, I wonder if I did something wrong or if I'm still doing something wrong. I know that there isn't one perfect parent but seriously, maybe I am doing something wrong. Aaaaaaggggghhhh I don't know, tomorrow will be a better day right??????

  Today is one of those days where I'm feeling incredibly sad, and no this isn't going to be a feel sorry for myself post it's just how I'm feeling. It just hit me this morning how much I miss my friends, don't get me wrong I love living here and I'm so glad we decided to step out and do this but I miss my friends. That's all there is too it, I miss them so much that some days it hurts and today is one of those days. I miss being able to call them up on the weekend and go for dinner or just hang out. I miss being able to go for coffee with "The Real Housewives of Arthur" Lamar and I were just talking about this last night, it's a lot harder to meet people then what we thought it would be. It's good to know that Lamar feels the same way I do so I don't seem quite as crazy ;) I know it's not like I'm going to meet someone at the store and we going to become best friends and hang out all the time, it takes time to build those relationships. I think everyone should have that go to person or couple that they can just totally be themselves around and there's no judgement, people that you can open up too and their not going to talk to their other friends about it, I know that we still have those friends but things are just different when you move 2 hours away. I know this whole process is an emotional roller coaster and unfortunatetly today is a down day but tomorrow will be better, I already feel better by just putting my feelings out there, yes I'm an outward processor. Anyway, the good thing about this whole moving situation is that I know it's a roller coaster ride and I can expect to have days like this. I don't want very many of them but at least I can expect to have them and I can kind of prepare myself for these days. 

  Have any of you ever felt like you're supposed to do something but you're not sure what it is? I've had this feeling for the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to shake it, I've prayed about it and I still don't have any answers. It's so frustrating because I want to know if I'm really actually supposed to be doing something more then what I am now or if maybe it's just a feeling of nothingness(yes I made that word up). I'm not sure if it's supposed to be something in the church or the community or what it is, or maybe I'm just supposed to embrace being a full time stay at home mom. Maybe it's just me feeling a bit guilty because since we've been married I've always had a job and now I don't, so I'm a stay at home mom and I don't really feel like I'm contributing much and I feel like I should be doing something more. I don't know what it is but I'm just going to continue praying about it and hoping I get some answers soon.

   Happy 4th of July, well it's not until tomorrow ;) So we decided to not go back to Arthur this weekend and I have to say that I really wasn't that upset about it. Lamar and I both knew that since it's a holiday weekend things would be crazier then they normally are when we go back to Arthur, and yes I missed hanging out with my friends but it was good to be here too. We really didn't do that much, yesterday Lamar was trying to get the basement floor sanded down so we can lay tile(hopefully next weekend) and then we had a some friends over for a cookout last night and today we skipped church and just had a nice relaxing day at home. The more I think about it the more I really did miss hanging with my friends this weekend and I can't wait to see them again, which I hope will be sometime soon.

   My day started out at about 6:15am(yes that's am, I don't get out of bed before 7:30) and it wasn't a good thing that it started that early. Our new dog Mia decided that she had to go potty and I woke Lamar to see if he wanted to let her out, just because he mentioned the night before that he had a lot of work to do and needed to get started early. Anyway, it was a good thing Mia needed to go potty because Lamar discovered that we had water coming in our drain....again. That's the 3rd time in 4 weeks, we had a plumber come out 4 weeks ago to clear the drain and Lamar had to clear it out again himself a week later, neither of us were very happy. Well needless to say when Lamar got to the basement there was water everywhere, he came in and woke me up to tell me what was going on. I was trying to not freak out because we have a root issue and eventually we have to have professionals come in to get all the roots out, which will cost us about $3,000 because we have that kind of money just laying around. So I start crying because I'm thinking that we're going to have to spend tons of money to get the water out of the basement and we're going to have to bite the bullet and clear the roots. In the meantime I was texting Angie and Amy, I kind of told them what was going on and they both said that they will be praying and hopefully everything will turn out ok. Well thank goodness for prayers because Lamar was able to clear the drain and Ben came over to help us get the water out of the basement. So about 60-80 gal of water later, the basement was clear, not completely dry but no more standing water :) I was talking to Angie later this afternoon and she told me that she was praying all day for us and asking God that it would cost half as much to get this taken care of, well thanks for the prayers girls but it cost much less then half :)  I'm just so incredibly thankful that no matter what's going on people are willing to pray about it, even if it is an issue with water in the basement. I'm also thankful that we have people in our lives that are so willing to come and help us out, so thanks Ben, you are awesome and Lamar and I are so thankful you were able to come and help us out. I'm definitely not happy how today started but I'm happy that God reminded me that no matter what He's always there to answer your prayers, even if it still includes hours and hours of vacuuming up water ;)

   Sometimes I really wish people could get over the things you've done in your past and see the person that you are today. I've really been struggling with this fact lately, there's some people in my life, not my close personal life but their still in my life, that I feel like they just can't get over my past. I've gotten over it so why can't they get over it. It's so frustrating because I know that I'm not the person that I was 5 years ago or even 1 year ago and yet they can't see that. Now I'm not going to let that get me down it's just more annoying then anything. I guess it makes me want to work harder to prove to people that I actually have changed. Or maybe these people don't really think that and it's just my own insecurities and questioning myself that I really have changed. Anyway, these are just my thoughts for today and as you can tell they're a bit scattered, which is not unusual at all ;)

Ok I'm just going to warn you right now that my mind is going about 100 miles an hour and I have so many things that I want to say, so I might be all over the place with this post but just bear with me :) So we went back to Arthur this weekend and I'm always excited to go back an visit but the last couple of times we've been there I feel more and more like an outsider. Now it's nothing that anyone did or anything like that but it's just how I feel and I was talking to someone about it this weekend and I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's just God's way of helping me cope with the move. We've been here almost 3 months now and I have to say that I really enjoy it here, I love love love the convience(sp) of everything, it's so nice because I don't have to plan an entire day or at least morning just to go get groceries. The only thing that I miss is not having met very many new people, I miss the friendships. I miss being able to call people up and see if they want to meet for dinner or watch a movie or whatever, and yes I know that those friendships will happen but right now it's the only thing I miss. And of course I miss my wonderful friends back in Arthur too, it would be so perfect if they could just move here....hint hint ;) I realized this morning that this move is probably the best thing that we could have done. I was going back through my life and I realized that I was always in someone's shadow, not that that's a bad thing, but being in someone's shadow never gives you the chance to step out on your own. I feel like with this move that I don't have a choice but to step out on my own, and honestly I'm kind of excited about it. Last week Ben talked to Lamar and him and Tina want to meet with us just to see what our role in the church will be, like where we feel what God is calling us to do. And as I was out running one morning I started praying and asking God what my role is and I barely got the sentence out and He puts this "role" in my mind and I actually started laughing a little. I told God that I think He meant that for someone else, I was then reminded of Peyton who when you tell him something and it's the answer he doesn't want to hear he keeps asking why/what/when, over and over again(let me tell you, that annoys me so much) But God said you're doing the same thing that Peyton does, why can't you just take what I say or tell you and not ask questions? So going back to being in someone's shadow, this is going to give me the chance to step out on my own and yes I'm excited but I'm also extremely nervous. I know that I will make mistakes but how else am I going to learn but I also know that I'm going to have people there encouraging me along the way. Yesterday we went to church in Sullivan and Di was preaching and she had a great sermon and it was so what I needed to hear. She was basically talking about taking that big leap off that cliff and taking a chance, so here I am, ready to take that leap. I don't want to be in someone's shadow anymore, I want to step out and be my own person. I want to be Tanya(gosh that's really cheesy) but I'm sure you all know what I mean. So today as I sit here, crying while I'm writing this, I can honestly say that I'm happy that I'm here, I didn't think I would ever say that. I thought I would be pretty angry at God for asking us to move but 3 months later, I'm so glad I'm here. I'm so excited to see where He's going to take us and I'm ready to step out and take that giant leap.

  Here I am again, I'm back at this same place that I was a few months ago. Lamar left this morning and won't be back until Wednesday so here I am terrified to stay by myself. So what did I do, I had to let go of my pride and ask Tina to come and stay with me tonight. It's actually kind of embarrassing that I'm 31 and I have to ask someone to come and spend the night at my house. I hate this feeling and I just want to figure out and get to the root of the issue of why I am terrified to stay by myself. I'm totally fine during the day, I don't mind being by myself during the day at all. It's when it get dark and late at night that's when I get freaked out and I don't know why. Lamar and I were praying about it last night and we've figured out that it's not just fear anymore it's moved on to terror. I remember the first night that he was gone after we moved, I have no idea what time it was, late I'm sure, but I remember sitting on the couch sobbing and just shaking uncontrollably(sp) I never felt like that when we lived in Arthur, yeah I was a little scared but it was never this bad, so I guess I'm wondering what changed? Maybe it's because I'm still getting used to living here, I don't know but I really want to figure out how to fix it and deal with it. I know it makes it harder for Lamar to leave when I'm feeling like this. So I guess we'll continue praying and hopefully we'll get to the root of the issue soon, I don't like feeling like this so I'm definitely ready to deal with it and move on.

   Today I was trying to think of something to blog about all day today and do you know what I came up with........nothing. So I've made a decision, I've decided that I won't be blogging every day. I know you all are so disappointed because my posts have been so riveting lately ;) I know that I said that I would blog everyday for a year but when you've got nothing to say then why blog about it. At least I made it 164 days, Yay me! So hopefully I can at least blog everyother day but we'll see. I guess that's all for now, so I will "see" you all in a couple off days :)

We are on our way home from Ben and Tina's, we had a pizza and game night tonight and we had a lot of fun. Everytime I hang out with the team it just feels more and more like this is where I need to be, so yay for that. I'm just happy that I'm starting to feel more comfortable here, yes I still miss my friends like crazy in Arthur, but it makes it easier to be away from them the longer I'm here. Anyway, that's all I got for now, so later taters

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Meeting new people

   Tonight Peyton had a tball game and Shalome said that she would meet us there because she's knows a bunch of the people on the team that Peyton was playing that way I could meet some of them. I'm so glad that she met us there, I got to meet her cousin and a really good friend of hers and they seemed so so nice. They seemed like people that I would actually want to hang out with. As cheesy as this is going to sound and yes I'm going to say it anyway, it just gave me hope that I will actually make friends here, super cheesy I know but it's true. I know that I'll make friends but sometimes it's really hard if you don't have someone there to introduce you to their friends, know what I mean? Anyway, I'm just so glad that I was able to meet some new people and hopefully we can develop friendships through this.

What have I accomplished?

  So today I was filling out more job applications, which by the way is so boring and time consuming, and for some reason I started asking myself what have I accomplished in my life? What have I done worthwhile? I've done absolutely nothing, yes I've had jobs and all that stuff but when I had/have a job I stay at the same position, I don't get promoted or anything like that. To me, it's quite sad, it almost makes me feel kind of like a loser, but not quite ;) I mean I'm 31 years old, I've never gone to college, I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life so I guess that's why I didn't go to college, but here I am with no major accomplishments. It just makes me sad to think about it but another question is where do I start? Yes, I am 31 but I still have a life but where do I even begin? I really want Lamar and my kids to be proud of me but what is there to be proud of? I guess this just makes me want to find what I'm good at and do it well so I can make my family proud of me, of course the question is how do I find that "thing" that I'm good at? I guess I just keep trying and trying until I figure it out, hopefully it's soon.

     So I'm trying to process through some things right now so this won't be much of a post. Don't worry it's nothing bad that I'm processing, I've mentioned that I'm reading Battlefield of the Mind and right now there are so many things going on in my mind right now that I can't put it in writing just yet. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I highly recommend that everyone read this book. I'm only about a quarter of the way through and it's already taught me so much, this will definitely be getting read again :)

It's summer time :)

    Well today was one of those days that you either had to be at the pool or playing in the sprinkler, it was around 90 today so yeah, it was hot. I'm definitely not complaining though because I will take this weather over cold weather any day. We did break out a small inflatable pool for the kids and they had so much fun. I honestly didn't think that they would play in it that much but they played in it for about 3 hours, and poor Peyton got a bit of a sunburn, at least they had a good time and they were nice and worn out too :) I was going to take them to the pool here in Morton but I found out that the kids are not allowed to use floaties, they have to use coast guard approved life jackets, yes I'm serious. I don't even know where to buy the coast guard approved life jackets, I know that you can buy life jackets at Wal-Mart but are they the right ones? Plus, we don't have a ton of extra money to spend on life jackets right now, so the inflatable pool in the backyard it is. I'm just glad that the kids had fun, I'm thinking that this pool will get a lot of use this summer.

To get a job, to not get a job.

   Well I've been going back and forth about getting a job or not. I feel bad because right now I'm really not contributing to anything, bills, food, clothes, etc. so I'm trying to decide what I should do. I've noticed that there are a few places that are hiring right now but is it worth it for me to get a job. I couldn't work during the day because it definitely wouldn't be worth it for me to pay for a sitter because I would most likely just be making minimum wage, and well daycare/babysitting is expensive. So I would have to work at night and do I really want to work at night? No I don't, I wouldn't really see Lamar that much and I know that I would be missing out on cookouts, small group, and whatever else we might do. I really wish that I could get Stella & Dot going here because that would help so much but it's so hard to get a business like S & D going when you move to a new town and you don't know anyone, it would just be really awkward to ask strangers to have a S & D party for you, so once I get that going I really feel like I should be doing something else. I guess I could always fill out some applications and see what happens, I mean I can always turn a job offer down. Although if I would get offered a job, at this point it would be pretty difficult to turn it down.

   I don't really have much to say today, my day was pretty relaxing. Angie and I slept in and went on a walk later, relaxed in the afternoon and then did some shopping. So it was a pretty good day, I definitely needed a day like today, you know because I don't have enough of those days where I do absolutely nothing ;) I guess that's all I have for now.

   Last night I went to Champaign to stay with Angie because Lamar is gone and I didn't want to stay by myself. Well after I put the kids to bed we were watching TV and just hanging out, well we started talking about things going on in our life and all that good stuff. Now Angie is much, much older then me(sorry I had to get that in there Angie) so all my life I've kind of felt like I'm the younger, annoying sister but last night it didn't feel like that. I truly feel like even though Angie is my older sister that she now sees me on the same level as her, well somewhat anyway. I don't know, it just felt nice to sit there and basically pour our hearts out, I love having sister moments like that. And yes, I'm sure she probably thinks that I can still be the annoying, younger sister but it was nice to not feel like that last night. So thanks Angie, you're the best :)

   Today I was going to take the kids to the zoo with Tina and Shalome, unfortunately it's been raining most of the day so we didn't go. We did go over to Shalome's for lunch instead and we had a good time, the kids played so well together so it gave Tina, Shalome and I just a chance to relax and have a good chat. It's just nice to get to know everyone a little better and the more I get to know the team the more I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. Of course, that feeling could change tomorrow......although I really hope it doesn't. But it does feel good to feel more comfortable around these people that I'm going to be doing life with and just feeling more comfortable in general. I'm slowly, slowly starting to feel like this is home. It feels so weird saying that Morton is feeling like home, it's a good feeling but still a little weird. I know the more we're here obviously the more comfortable I'll be with living here. I really can't wait until Morton really feels like home.

  Well I don't have much to say, I didn't to much today but clean the house and just relax a little, exciting I know. So I guess this is all you're going to get today.

Positive/Negative Thinking

    I've recently started reading Joyce Meyer's book Battlefield of the Mind and so far its been really good. There's so much information to take in that I have to read 2-3 chapters at a time because I feel like I need to really absorb what she's saying. Today one of the chapters that I read was about positive thinking, and I think I've actually blogged a little bit about this before. But anyway, she was saying that she used to be an extremely negative person and she always thought the worst things would happen to her, like she always had this weird feeling in her stomach and she immediately thought something bad was going to happen. Holy crap, that's exactly how I am and I hate, hate, hate that this is how I am. She basically said that she had to totally change her thinking process, obviously, but it was also something that was really difficult to do. So of course, I am all about wanting to change my thinking process. I hate that I always think something bad is going to happen. Yes, I know that bad things happen to everyone but if every bad thing happened to me that I've thought of, well I would have been dead a long time ago. It's so crazy how your mind can take you to all these "places" if you just let it. I know changing my way of thinking is definitely going to be a process but I seriously hate all the negativity that goes on in my mind. I really don't remember that last time that I was truly, honestly happy and that's really sad to me. So once again, I have found ANOTHER thing that I have to work on, at the rate I'm going I might not ever get to be the person that I truly want to be.

  We have had a super busy day today, even if it was a holiday. We did get to sleep in though so that was good. We've had a day of running, baking, weeding, cleaning old toys, icing, going to a  cookout, baths, snack, and now we're finally relaxing. The Peoria team had a cookout today and it was a chance to invite people who live in the Peoria area that might be interested in helping to get this church planted. There was probably about 10 people or so that came out so we had a pretty good turn out today. It was nice to meet some new people and put some faces with the names. Days like today just make me more excited to be a part of this church plant, I can't wait to see where we'll be in 6 months and see how everything is going to play out. Like I've said before I know that God is going to do some amazing things and I'm just so excited to see them :)

Well we are on our way home from a fun but busy weekend. I really didn't want to come home this weekend just because It's always crazy and we're running around everywhere but it wasn't too bad, although I didn't get everyone that I wanted too. I guess there's always next time. I'm ready to be home and sleep in my own bed and I know my kiddos are too. Here's to a safe and quick trip home :)

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Today we went over to my parents old house and cleaned out the attic, I seriously did not want to go because, well attics are full of spiders and bugs. But it really wasn't that bad, It's kind of fun going through all the stuff we had growing up. Lauren actually is playing with some of my old My Little Pony's and she loves them. It's so funny to see her playing with them. Anyway, that's all for now, I know this post was so exciting ;)

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Mixed feelings

  Well we are about to leave for Arthur for the weekend and I have to say that I'm really not that excited about it. I really don't know why because normally I would be. Maybe it's because everytime we go back for a visit we're running in 5 different directions the whole time and it's really not that relaxing. One of these times when we go back for a visit I'm just going to tell everyone that we'll be at a certain place and if they want to come and see us then come on over. I'm just tired of trying to divide all our time between friends and family and then you never get to see all the people that you want to and it just pretty much blows. Oh well, it's life right so I might as well just deal with it. Or maybe I don't want to go back because in a way you kind of feel like you've been forgotten, and yes, I know that everyone has to move on and it's not like I made a huge impact but it still sucks. I don't know why I don't want to go back, I'm sure there's lots of little reasons but whatever it is I will try and enjoy myself. For some reason, I just really want to be in Morton this weekend. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have a good time once I'm there.

  As most of you know this move has been really hard for me, I know you guys are probably thinking that I really need to suck it up and put my big girl pants on and yes, I do need to do that believe me I'm working on it. Anyway, so this morning as I was praying I felt like God is trying to show me something amazing and I can't see it because I'm so consumed with this move and what has gone along with this move, missing my friends and family, feeling like I miss out on things that are going on back in Arthur. At this point I think if God slapped me in the face with what He wants to show me, I really don't know if I would see it and that's really sad to me. Because yes, I am missing out on stuff back in Arthur but God brought us here for a reason and I'm missing out on stuff here and who knows what it could be. I could be missing out on a great friendship or meeting new people just because I'm so consumed with the move. Aaaaaaggggghhhhhh seriously I just need to get over it, we're here and there's nothing that I can do about it so I might as well live it up right? I'm tired of "feeling sorry for myself" and just being sad all the time, and I'm pretty sure that Lamar is tired of me feeling this way too. I kind of feel like I'm the EGR(extra grace required) of the church team and honestly I hate that feeling, there should always be someone crazier then me. I did tell the team on Tuesday night that I am kind of crazy so at least they know that now ;) All I want to do is suck it up, put my big girl pants on, I'm an adult and I need to act like it. I need to stop acting like a baby because if I continue to live like this then I'm definitely going to miss out on what God is trying to show me. I so want to see if but unfortunately I can't right now but someday soon I will see it and I know that it will be amamzing.

Summer Reading.

   Well I am in the middle of reading about 4 different books and for me that's a lot because I like to read but I don't LOVE it. Now 3 of the books are encouraging, not really self-help books but there just good books and well the other one, it's not the best book but it's very interesting, it's Steven Tyler's book and it's interesting to see how a rockstar actually lived and all that stuff. Anyway, so one of the other books that I'm reading is So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and I've read 2 chapters so far and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize that I'm a pretty insecure person and I don't really like to admit that but hey I'm looking to change that so that's why I'm putting this out there, so people can hold me accountable. I just hate the feeling of being insecure but unfortunately it's where I'm at in my life but at least I'm willing to step up and change it. It's like a said in my post a few days ago, that it's really hard to figure out the "negative" things about yourself, but if you're willing and ready to change those things then that's good I guess. Part of me doesn't want to finish reading the book, I know I know I'm 2 chapters in, because of what else I might discover about myself but what good is that going to do me if I stop reading the book, because I'm afraid of what else I might discover then how and I going to fix it. At least I'm willing to make the changes that I need to but sometimes it's still hard to "hear" what you need to change, even though I know that I'll be better in the long run. So here's to my journey of changing and becoming a better person.

   Today I went to Champaign to meet Amy for breakfast and as I was driving there I was just kind of watching Lauren in the rearview mirror and it hit me about how innocent she is and  I so wanted to go back to that innocent stage. She doesn't have a care in the world, she's just so innocent and carefree, how awesome would it be to go back to that stage, but then again maybe not. I was kind of talking and praying to God and He showed me an interesting picture. He just showed me how much Lauren relies on Lamar and I, she knows that when she gets up in the morning that one of us will get her breakfast, we're always there to get her something to drink and eat, get her a snack. Basically God was showing me how much Lauren relies on us and He wants us to rely on Him that much, like we need to rely on God to feed us, not just the physical part of eating but also spiritually. I know that I need to rely on Him more then what I do, and I think that goes back to the innocence of a 3 year old and how much they rely on their parents, we need to rely on our Father. I'm one of those people that likes to try and do things myself and try to figure things out on my own but 90% of the time, it just doesn't work so this was a great reminder for me. I can't do this on my own, I need God and I need God my Father to get me through this. I love when God reminds me of things like this, it just makes me smile :)

  Why is it that when you spend lots and lots of time by yourself you figure out things about yourself that you'd rather not know? Basically, I have realized that I have been living with a huge about of fear and worry. Why do I live like this? No one wants to live in fear and worry every single day because it's like you just expect something bad to happen, even though nothing does happen. Obviously bad stuff happens but 99% of the time you just waste your life away with all that worry and fear. I don't know why I feel this way, it's definitely no way to live. I feel like I have this sinking feeling in my stomach all the time and basically it sucks. It's so hard because it seems like everytime I dig deeper into God's word that's when all this fear and worry comes up and yes, I know that it's satan trying to distract me and I know that God is so much stronger then satan but sometimes it gets really old to have to stop doing your devotions at least 3 or 4 different times just to pray satan out so you can go back to concentrating on God's word. Maybe I feel this way because I'm still getting used to the area and everything is still new, I don't know all I can say is that it's really frustrating and I'm determined to beat this. I know that God doesn't want us to live with all this fear, isn't it wrong to have this much fear? As Christians we aren't really supposed to fear anything right? Anyway, I would just like to wake up one morning and not have to deal with all of this and have everything be "normal" whatever normal is.

Checking out a new church.

  Lamar and I decided that we were going to try out a few churches here in Morton just to see what kind of churches are in our community and hopefully to meet some new people. Well today we went to Elevate Church and it wasn't horrible but it definitely was not for us. It really wasn't too bad but it just wasn't the Vineyard. I felt really uncomfortable during worship, I felt like it was more of a concert/show then actual worship. I felt like I should have been sitting in a club or a bar watching some band trying to make it big, I mean they had this light show and it was all very awkward. I really don't want to judge anyone else's church, especially since we've only been there one time but sometimes you just know when that church isn't right for you. The sermon was really really good but other then that, I just didn't enjoy it too much. Lamar and I were talking about it this afternoon and we both said that going to that church was just confirmation that The Vineyard is for us and what we're doing is the right thing. I'm so glad that we both had that confirmation, not that there was ever really a question about The Vineyard being right for us but sometimes you just think is there something more out there. And right now, there's nothing better then The Vineyard and now I'm more excited then I was before to launch The Peoria Vineyard :)

   So all this talk about the rapture has got me thinking, is anyone really ever truly ready for when God returns? Which apparently is supposed to be at 6pm tonight, so I guess I have a few more hours to get everything in order right ;) I think about how my life is and I wonder, have I done enough? What more can I do? Yes, I know that I make mistakes, and lots of them but everyone makes mistakes, I know that I make them every single day but yet, God still loves me. I guess what I'm wondering is how do we know if what we've done in our life and how we've lived our life is enough to get into heaven? I know that God only knows the answer to that question but sometimes I still wonder and question myself. I feel like if I were to die right now that I would go to heaven, but then there's this little voice that is asking "Are you absolutely 100% sure that you're going to heaven when you die?" Which I'm sure that's satan trying to get me down and question my Christianity, but usually when I have that moment that well, maybe I'm not sure I'm going to heaven then it just makes me dig deeper into God's word and makes me want to be a better Christian so I guess satan lost that one ;) I know it would be so much easier if we knew all the answers but God never said that this was going to be easy. So I will continue to study His word and live my life for Him and I can't wait to celebrate with all of my peeps in heaven, which apparently is only going to be 4 hours from now ;)

I have a 6 year old!!!!

  Holy cow, how is it possible that I have a 6 year old? It's crazy to think that Peyton is already 6, I remember the day he was born and everything about it, although giving birth isn't usually something you forget ;) I would like to say that I remember everything about him as a baby, unfortunately I don't. I had to deal with post-partum depression and let's just say it wasn't pretty. I barely remember the first 2 months of his life, yes I hate to say that but it's true. Thank goodness my sister seen signs that something wasn't right and told me that I needed to get some meds. Sometimes when I think about it and how bad it was it scares me and I'm so thankful that he's alive, believe me there were somedays when I didn't think either of us would make it to the end of the day. He definitely is a special little guy, see I had a brother Wendall who died of cancer when I was 15, Wendall was 17 and let me tell you, Peyton looks and acts exactly like him. Which by the way Peyton's middle name is Wendall, it's so very fitting. I remember one day I was over at my parents house and I was going through some pictures and I came across one of Wendall when he was a baby. I actually asked my mom why she had that picture of Peyton and where she got the outfit, I got my own kid and my brother's baby picture mixed up. There are so many people that have come up to me and told me that he looks just like Wendall, so yes Peyton is very special in more ways then one. He has such a tender heart and sweet spirit. I just love him so much and I can't wait to see what kind of a man he's going to turn out to be and I know he's going to be pretty amazing. So Peyton, if you read this someday just know that I love you so very much and I'm so glad that God blessed me with an amazing son like you.

Summer Time

  Oh how I love summer, it just makes me smile. I love that we can just wear shorts, tanks, and flip flops and we're good to go. I never thought that winter was going to end, it annoys me that I have to start getting the kids ready 5-10 min before we need to leave because of the coats, shoes/boots, hats, gloves...So I'm beyond excited that summer is here. I love the cookouts, the walks, the long nights, pool days, just everything about it. I plan on spending a lot of time back in Arthur this summer too, I told Lamar that when he's going to be gone overnight I'm just going back to Arthur, thank goodness he was ok with it :) It will just give me a chance to hang out with my friends more because I know this fall with the church launching we won't get to visit as much as we'd like. I'm super excited that summer is here and I can't wait to get this fun filled summer started, so bring it on :)

  The last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle for me, yes people I'm still dealing with the move. I keep thinking to myself am I ever going to be ok with the move, hopefully I will someday soon. Anyway, so I've been a bit testy the last couple of days and I have to say that when I get in one of these moods it's so hard to get out of it. I feel like I'm stuck in this huge hole and I can't get out and each minute or hour that passes the hole gets deeper and deeper, I just hate that feeling. On the other hand, I also realized that every time I get in that stuck in the hole I try to get out by myself, I can't do it by myself. I know that I need to ask for prayer and turn to God, why is it so hard to remember that? Why do I have to try and do this myself when I know that I have an amazing support system that will pray for me the second I ask them too? I know that asking for help is one of my faults because I don't want to "burden" people but then again, what are friends for. They're there to help you when you're feeling down and to encourage you and lift you up in prayer. So I will make a mental note to ask for prayer and ask for help next time I need it and hopefully I won't get stuck in one of my moods for a very very long time ;)

Just one of those days.

 Do you ever have one of those days when you're tired of yourself? Yes, when you are actually tired of yourself and you just wish that you could leave for a bit, but you can't because well you can't leave yourself. This is what goes on in my head people and I'm sure that I sound crazy but hey, it's my blog and it's how I'm feeling so I can say what I want right ;) Anyway, every now and then I have these moments where anything just sets me off and just makes me angry and that in turn comes the being sick of myself, get it now, awesome. I think that we all have these moments, or at least I hope we do but I guess I'm just the one that's putting it out there too. See I feel much better already by putting this out there and just "talking" about it. With that said, I'm ready to have a good afternoon now and hopefully Lamar will come home to a much more pleasant wife. I feel bad that he's had to deal with me that last few days but thankfully he's been incredibly patient with me :) So thanks Lamar, you're awesome.

   I don't have anything really earth shattering or exciting to say. My day was pretty uneventful so that's definitely a good thing. Hmmm so I guess that's all for this post, man I guess I really need to step it up with my posts, they've been super lame lately.

A good reminder

  We heard a great sermon at church today, Daniel and Katie Goulet were preaching about how we are God's masterpiece. I know I've talked about this before but it's such a nice reminder that we alone are truly God's masterpiece, His chose ones. Even though He knew that sometimes we might stray from Him for awhile or we wouldn't do exactly what He wanted us to do, He still loved/loves us no matter what. And He accepts us as we are because He knew exactly how we would be before we were even born. It's still a little hard for me to wrap my mind around that fact, that He knew exactly how we would be before we were even born. Knowing that fact definitely wants me to try harder to be the person that God wants me to be and yes, it's going to be a challenge but I think I'm up for that challenge. I love when I hear sermons like we heard today because sometimes it's just nice to be reminded of how much God truly does love us, even though we make mistakes He still loves us and to me, that is a huge comfort because we all know that I'm not perfect ;)

    Do you ever just want to put all your feelings out there and just say exactly how you feel? I know I do, I just want to put it out there more then I'd care to admit, but that's the reason for having a blog so you can just put it out there and hopefully no one will judge you. And if they do judge you then stop reading my blog! So this morning as I was running, which I love because it gives me lots of time to think, I realized that I'm pretty angry at God. Yes, I said it I'm angry at God. I'm angry because He put this church plant on Lamar's heart which in turn is why we're here. I'm angry because we DID move away and now I'm not around my friends and family. I'm angry because I feel like my life is a bit disrupted right now. I'm angry because I feel completely alone and no one understands what I'm going through. I'm angry because I'm super emotional. I'm angry because, and yes I said this earlier, but I'm not 5 minutes away from my friends, some of the best friends that I've ever had. I'm angry because I can't have breakfast with Amy every week and just vent and get all our feelings out. I'm angry because we can't just have GP's with Eric, Amy, Troy, and Angie at the spur of the moment. I'm angry because I can't coach volleyball with Sheryl this year, seriously we had so much fun together and we had the best vball girls around. I'm angry because I can't call my family and see if they want to meet for dinner in 1 hour. Yes I know that's a lot of reasons why I'm angry and yes, I'm working on them so don't worry :) But I also have lots of things to be thankful for and things that I love about being here. I love the fact that Lamar works at home now, I didn't think I would like it but I LOVE it. I love the convience of everything. I do know that I'm going to be meeting new people and making new friends and I love that, even though they will never replace the friends back home. I love the even though we have moved it's only 2 hrs. away from home so it makes it so easy to go home for the weekend. I love that Champaign is only1 hour away so it makes it easy to meet up with my friends....hint hint friends ;) I love our house and all the room we have, yes that means more cleaning but that also means when we do have friends come and visit they actually have a place to stay.  I also love the fact that by stepping out and doing what God has asked us to do, that we will be doing things that we most likely wouldn't have done if we hadn't moved. I feel like God has given me the confidence to step out and step up to do things in the church that I wouldn't have done before. I know that this journey is far from over and I'm sure that I'm going to have more moments like this but I also know that God understands our feelings and why we feel this way sometimes, as long as we don't stay angry and stay in that bad place for long, it's ok. I know God has good things in store for us and I can't wait to see what they are.

  So I'm a bit upset right now, don't worry nothing major. Blogger was down last night so I couldn't blog so now, I'm a day behind from blogging every day. Although it was kind of nice because I didn't really have anything to blog about anyway, so at some point I'll blog twice in one day to make up for it ;) Sometimes I wonder why I ever made it one of my goals to blog every single day, I mean yes I talk a lot but it's not like I always have something to say. Anywhooooo, I painted our bathroom today and I love it now I just need to paint the basement and then I think we are all good with painting, at least for awhile anyway. Then Lamar took us out to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings and it was yummy. Well I'm off to relax a bit and hopefully I'll have something more exciting to talk about tomorrow, I've been feeling kind of blah lately so here's hoping to some inspiration tomorrow :)

  Today I made the trip to Champaign to have lunch with my fantastical friend Amy, and let me tell you that it was a much needed lunch. I love the fact that Champaign is only a little more then 1 hour away, it's a perfect meeting spot for me to meet up with my friends. We talked about trying to meet once a week or at least every other week and I'm hoping that I can make that work. Sometimes the phone calls, texts, and emails just don't cut it, you need to have the face to face conversation. I was thinking too that because Champaign isn't so far away and it's so easy to meet up with friends then maybe I won't make to much of an effort to make friends here. I was just thinking that yeah, I can handle meeting up with my friends once a week and I don't have to worry about people getting to know me and trying to decide if they like me or not, because let's be honest I am pretty harsh and very hard to like.....well sometimes. I know that's not the case and I know that I'll make friends here, it would just be so easy to not have too. It would be so easy to just stay holed up in my house and only venture out the get food and get Peyton from school, but in all actual reality, I do need friends, I do need them to be 5-10 min. away. I can't just rely on my friends from Arthur, even though it would be so easy to do that. I know that I'll always have my friends in Arthur and that won't ever change but I'm also ready to meet some new friends too, hopefully some that like Lamar because he can be pretty difficult sometimes.....oh wait that's me ;) I'm just glad that I can alway rely on my friends from Arthur and I know that will never change and that makes me so happy.

Total Intimidation

   Have any of you ever been intimated by anything or anyone? I'm sure that you have and if you haven't well, good for you. Tonight Peyton had a t-ball game and Lauren and I were just sitting there watching the game and then all of the sudden, this lady sits down beside us. And I look over and smile and then it hits me, holy crap this woman is beautiful, now please don't think I'm weird because I said that, but she really was beautiful. She was tall and skinny, had long blonde hair, perfect skin and then I immediately start evaluating myself. I think ok I really need to grow my hair out, even though I just cut it, I need to lose about 10 pounds, I need a tan, I need a whole new wardrobe...etc. Yes, I really did think those things and I really hope that I'm not the only one who has ever thought this about someone. But there was just something about her, and you could tell that she didn't spend hours doing her hair and I don't even know if she was wearing any make-up but she just looked genuinely beautiful. I hated the way I totally sat there and judged myself because someone once told me that if I tell myself that I'm ugly then it's basically saying that God is ugly because He created me. I know that God thinks that I'm beautiful, no matter what and yes, that makes me happy. I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because I'm not going to be like them, I'm just me and God loves me for who I am :)

Uninspired.

I'm feeling a bit uninspired today, I'm not sure what's going on but that's just how i'm feeling. For some reason I was a bit on edge today, I really hate when I have days like that. Luckily Lamar was home so I could just vent to him for a bit and after that I did feel a bit better, just a bit though. Sometimes I just get so tired of cleaning up after the kids, doing laundry, cleaning house, etc. And yes, I know that's my job but every now and then it hits me and I just have to vent for a bit and usually I'm ok. Oh the life of a stay at home mom :/ Anyway, that's all for now.

Happy Mother's Day

  First of all, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. I have to say being a mom is the hardest job ever but it's also so very rewarding. So far today has been a pretty good day, we went to church in Champaign and then went to lunch with my family, which I'm still full from. And Lamar also gave me another mom's gift, he gave me one of the necklaces from Stella & Dot that I've been wanting for forever earlier this week, and then today he gave me Steven Tyler's new book. I know it's kind of a weird combo but I've always been intrigued by him and I can't wait to read the book. Then I got to take a nap and Lamar just left with the kiddos for a while so I can just have some time to myself, so yes, it's been a good day.
  So on the way to church this morning I was just doing some thinking about where my life is and my relationship with Jesus. And I have to say that I'm really disappointed in my relationship with Him, before we moved I felt that I had a great relationship and there were moments when I really felt God speaking to me but since we've moved, for whatever reason I've been slacking in that area. Maybe it's because I'm secretly angry that He asked us to move, or maybe not ;) I don't know why but I would think that I would use this time to draw closer to Him and not further from Him. There was a point when I did feel really close but I don't know, I think it's just because I've slacked off. Yes I do my devotions every night but sometimes my mind wanders and by the time I'm done reading then I have no idea what I just read. Honestly, I'm slightly embarrassed by that, although I know that I'm not the only one who has ever had this issue. I kind of laughed to myself this morning as I was thinking about my devotions and how sometimes I don't remember what I read beause Angie always says that everything in life relates to Friends, well I happened to think of that one episode where they all went to the beach and Ross and Rachel decided to get back together. Well she writes him this letter that I think was 16 pages long, front and back and Ross was supposed to read it because it was important to Rachel and then they would talk about it and decide if they really should get back together. Well Ross fell asleep and didn't finish it but he told Rachel that he did, needless to say she found out later that he didn't read it and it just didn't end well. Anyway, it hit me that the Bible is God's letter to us and it's very important to Him that we read it, and not just read it but KNOW what it says and understand it. So Angie I guess you're right again, almost everything relates to Friends ;) I know that if I had a letter or a book or whatever that I really wanted someone to read and they just kind of skimmed over it or just didn't read but said they did, that I would be really hurt when I found out what happened. I don't really know if this hurts God but I'm sure He doesn't appreciate it. So my goal starting tomorrow is to really dig deeper and really press into to the father, I want to know Him not even like I used too, I want to know Him so much more personally then I ever did before. I want to be able to hear from Him and know that it's from God and not have to question it and I desire to have that intimate relationship with Him. This is one area in my life that I really need to work on right now and especially with us doing a church plant, I really want God to be able to use me in areas that I would have never thought that I could be used and I can't do that if I don't have that relationship. So as I start my journey tomorrow, I'm asking for a few extra prayers because we all know that satan doesn't like to hear this so he's going to try to discourage me. But I'm going to keep pressing in, I don't like this roller coaster where I feel like I have a good relationship and then something happens and bam, I'm back to square one. I want to keep going and see where God is going to take me, I already know that He wanted to bring me to Morton, obviously, but I want to know what's next and I want to see where He wants me here in Morton. I'll keep you posted on this journey :)

  Well I have to say that the house warming party was a success, we had such a great time and I can't wait to have everyone back again and hopefully they'll be able to stay longer. We made breakfast for everyone and then a few of us went to Charming Charlie's and after that everyone left :( Of course Lamar made an interesting obversation too, he told me that I didn't cry when everyone left. That's the first time that has happened, anytime someone leaves or we leave Arthur, I cry and I didn't this time so I guess that means that I'm getting used to this. So I guess I should say YAY!!!!! I am glad that I'm getting used to being away from my friends and family but that doesn't make me miss them any less. My friends are so awesome and I wouldn't be who or where I am today without them, so for that they will ALWAYS be a part of my life and I love them dearly. You guys know who you are and I just want to say thanks for always being there for me, you guys are amazing and I'm so lucky to have friends like you :)

  I'm so looking forward to tonight, we are having a house warming party and some of our friends from Arthur are coming for the night. Aaaaaaagggghhhhh I'm so excited! I feel like I've been going about 100 miles an hour all day just trying to get everything ready and I've been cooking and baking(well one cake and it looks gross) anyway, I'm just ready for a nice relaxing night with friends. I know we're going to have a good time because.....well this is such an awesome group of friends and we always have a good time. I am a little sad because some people can't make it but that's ok because that just means we'll have to have another house warming party ;) I'm off to have some fun now.

Feeling like somewhat of a failure.

  Well apparently I'm a big wimp and I wasn't able to stay by myself last night, luckily my amazing sister Angie left Champaign at 8:30 to come and stay with me, now that's a good sister. And yes, Champaign is only about 1hr. away so it's not to bad of a drive but still she save me :) Ok maybe she didn't save me but she helped me to be able to sleep last night. I do somewhat feel like a failure because I'm 31 years old and have 2 kids and yet, I still can't stay by myself, not even for one night. I feel like I should be able to do this and it's frustrating because I'm fine during the day but the minute it gets dark I get freaked out. I just really want to figure out why I can't or don't like to stay by myself, I just want to get to the root of this issue. I know it would be a lot easier for Lamar to leave too if we got this thing figured out, I'm just thankful that I have such an understanding husband who lets me sob all over him the night before he leaves, yes I'm that girl. Anyway, I'm thinking lots more prayer over this issue is going to be in my near future. I'll keep you posted, and yes, I know you all are on the edge of your seat with excitement ;)

Trying to be strong.

  So as most of you know, I don't like when Lamar is gone for the night because I HATE staying by myself. I think I would rather do anything else then spend an entire night in my house, all alone. I have no idea why I hate it so much but I do. I'm ok during the day but it's almost like the minute it gets dark, I get freaked out. I feel like the biggest chicken ever, I mean I'm 31 and I'm to scared to be by myself. It almost makes me laugh as I type this. But seriously I have no idea why I feel this way, it's almost like the walls close in around me and I hear all the little noises and I don't sleep at all, maybe 2 hours at the most. I've had people pray over me numerous times and yet, it seems like nothing changes. I just want to be ok with being alone, that's all I'm asking right now. Anyway, I really am trying to be strong right now but part of me just wants to jump in the car and drive back to Arthur but of course, that really wouldn't solve anything. So I guess I will stay and fight through this and I'm hoping that I will actually get some sleep tonight.

Battlefield of the Mind

  So I'm reading Battlefield of the Mind right now and I've only read 3 chapters but so far, everything is true. I'm just amazed at how if you just let your mind go then it goes places where you don't want to go. Yes, I have been fighting this battle for a long time and I'm really trying to overcome those thoughts, hence me reading the book. As I was reading last night, Satan just started attacking me with these crazy thoughts and of course I just wanted to yell at him and say can you please give me a break, at least for an hour. I just said a little prayer and that did the trick too ;) Joyce Meyer wrote the book and she said in there that if you constantly think negative thoughts then your life will be full of negativity and if you constantly think postive thoughts then you'll just be much happier. Of course, just because you're thinking positive thoughts doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen to you but you just look at life a bit better. And I've been doing good with the positive thoughts for today and then, well satan slapped me in the face with an attack again. Serioulsy I just want to punch him in the face, i'd like to think that would make me feel better. Anyway, Lamar is going to be gone tomorrow night and I was fine with it today and then all of the sudden, I'm thinking that I can't do this, I can't stay here by myself, what if something happens, what if.....etc. I'm really trying to be strong and know that God is going to take care of me because I know He will but it's just something that I have to get through my head, that God is here, His presence is in this house and He's going to take care of me. So I will continue to fight this battle that raging in my mind, gosh that sounds scary, and I will win this battle I'm not going to let Satan get me. But I will ask that if you think about it just say a little prayer for me tomorrow night that I can actually sleep and feel comfortable with Lamar being gone.

  I don't feel like blogging tonight so this is all you're getting. Sorry peeps!

Sunday Nights

  I just have to say that I miss my Sunday night panic group, we always hung out every Sunday night and ate pizza, junk food, and played panic. And well, now we don't do that anymore and it makes me sad. We did have pizza for dinner tonight so I guess we kept that tradition, of course it's not the same because, well you can't play panic with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Anyway, I'm starting to be ok with being here but then I have moments like this and I really miss my traditional Sunday night with my friends. I know we'll make new friends and have our own traditions(they won't be as good;) ) but it won't be the same. I know nothing is ever going to be the same again, and yes I have to be ok with that. I think it would just be so much easier if all my friends would have moved here with us of course I know that's not how it works. Anyway, well I'm off to watch a movie with the kiddos, so until tomorrow.

Dinner Guests

 Tonight we had Lee and Shalome over for dinner and we had such a good time. It was nice to just sit down and get to know them a bit better, even though Abe(he's 9months old) was a little fussy but it was just nice to hang out with them. They have 3 girls and 1 boy and our kids seemed to get along pretty good so hopefully it stays that way. I've figured out too that I really enjoy cooking and having people over for dinner, maybe that's my gift.....ok maybe not. Shalome and I were talking about possibly doing a Beth Moore study together and getting some other ladies involved with it too so I'm really hoping that it will work for us to do this because I can't tell you how much I miss my Beth Moore study. I just need to get involved in bible study again, I feel like I've been away from it for so long and I really need it. I mean I still do devotions and stuff on my own but I just like to have the discussions and get other peoples point of views. Anyway, that's all for now, later taters.

  So today as I was painting Peyton's room I was listening my ipod and I had all these older songs on there and they just took me back to those moments of who I was with and where I was and of course that got me thinking. What if we would have ended up with that certain guy/girl that we were with when that song brought back those memories, I hope that makes sense. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I would have ended up with the person that I thought I was going to, now don't get me wrong I am so happy with Lamar but if you know me at all this is just how my mind works. Anyway, I don't think I would be going on a church plant and I'd probably still be in Arthur and maybe with 15 kids.....haha ok maybe not. It's crazy to me how one decision can change your life forever, thank goodness I made the right decision. But really, your life could be completely different with one little decision, one decision..........think about that. I mean even if you turn right instead of left, you could have avoided an accident or you were 5 min late you could have avoided an accident. It is comforting to know that God is helping us with these decisions and of course, knows what's best for us. Obviously He knew what was best for me and I'm so glad that I decided to follow Him, even though at the time I didn't think He knew what He was doing ;) I'm sure I'm not the only one that's felt that way either. Like I said before I'm so happy that I married Lamar and I have no regrets and I'm pretty sure that it was one of the best decisions that I ever made.

  Day 2 of painting is finally done and I only have 2 more days left. I don't mind painting at all but I forget how exhausting it is, I could probably go to bed right now and sleep all night. I'm painting Peyton's room tomorrow and the good thing is that it's not as big, bad for Peyton but yay for me when I'm painting ;) Anyway, I've got nothing else to say I'm to tired to think, yes I'm lame I know. Have a fabulous night all and we'll chat tomorrow :)

Well today is much better then it was yesterday and it might have been because I actually had something to do, I painted the living room so that kept me busy all day.I'm hoping that by painting most of the house and putting my own touch on things that it will make me feel more like I'm home. I can't wait to see it when all the painting is finished and I'll have most of that done by next week and then I'll just need a few decor items and I'll be good to go.  I definitely need something to do during the week, even if it's just for a couple of days, plus the sun just needs to shine for more then 1 hour at a time that would just make me feel better too ;) I think sitting around at home gives me time to think way to much and I just let my mind go to places that I don't want it to go. I really need to get involved in a women's bible study so I will definitely be on the look out for one, either that or I'll just start one myself and hopefully I'll have lots of ladies that would be interested in joining me.
  I do have some other news to share and I'm so excited about it, I rain for 60min. straight today........aaaaagggghhhh I'm so so excited about it. I said that I wanted to be able to do that by the end of the week and I still have 2 days left. I know 60 min probably doesn't sound like much but I'm just proud of myself that I did it and I plan on keeping it up too :)

Loneliness

  Well today is just one of those days and maybe it's because it's so dark and dreary out and I am in need of some serious sun. I'm just feeling really lonely today so sorry for being a debbie downer but that's just where I'm at. I just hate this feeling, I don't think that I've actually ever experienced true loneliness until now. I've always been surrounded by my family and friends and now I'm not. Yeah I've made some new friends but we're not that close and yes, I have Lamar and the kids but still it's not the same as before. As I'm writing this it just makes me want to pack up everything and move back, of course I know I can't do that. I don't really miss living in Arthur at all but I just miss all my friends, I honestly didn't think it would be this hard for me. I guess I didn't realize how much I relied on everyone until now, now I get to rely on myself/God/Lamar, not that I didn't before I just have to rely on them a lot more now. I know that things will get better but right now, this is where I'm at and it just hurts. I just miss everyone so much and I miss the way things used to be and yes, I need to get over it and move on because this is where my life is now, it's here in Morton/Peoria and not in Arthur. I really am trying to be strong in this situation but sometimes I have to just have my moments and I know that's ok too, I just can't stay in those moments for too long.

    Well nothing to exciting has happened today, I had my first Stella & Dot party this morning and let's just say it didn't turn out well at all. No one bought anything or booked a party from me.....FAIL! I was a bit disappointed at first but then I got over it, there's nothing I can do so I just have to keep trying. I'm probably going to have a few short months with nothing going on but hopefully stuff will start happening with it soon. Anyway, after the party I went grocery shopping and I have to say that I really hate going to 3 different stores just to save money, yes I'm saving quite a bit of money but it's just a pain to have to do that. Oh well, at least all the stores are within 5 min. of each other instead of across town. Now I'm home and I plan on staying here tonight, I'm still trying to recover from the weekend so I'm pretty tired.

Another Good Weekend.

  We just got home from being in Arthur all weekend and yes it was a great weekend but seriously, it goes way to fast. I feel like when we go back we're running in about 10 different directions and we can't really relax, either that or the weekends just need to be longer so we won't feel so rushed. I was talking to Heidi on Saturday and I told her that if this is how our weekends are going to be(running around like crazy) then I'm just going to tell everyone that if they want to come and see us, then they have to come where we're staying, yeah I know that wouldn't work so well either.
  So last night I got a phone call from Lisa telling me that they are taking my mom to the ER because she's having symptons of a heart attack, of course I left as quick as I could. Which by the way, when I left Chad and Carolyn's at 11:30pm I set the alarm off.....awesome. I felt so bad because everyone was sleeping but of course they understood. Anyway, they haven't really found anything, she has to do a stress test tomorrow and hopefully they'll figure out what's going on. We did go to the hospital this afternoon before we came home and she did say that she's feeling a lot better so that's good.
  I do have to share one other thing with you, I was able to run for 45min. straight tonight, yes I know that might not seem like much but I was pretty happy with myself. I'm hoping by the end of the week that I'll be running for 60min.

Weekend Fun.

Well we are back in Arthur for the weekend and so far, we've had a great time. Last night Chad and Carolyn had a fiesta night and let's just say there were lots and lots of laughs. It's been awhile since I've laughed that much. Today we went for breakfast with my family and then we met the couple that is renting our house from us and we got the lease signed and everything. I'm so glad that we have someone in the house now, It's such a relief. I also got to spend some time with Heidi, Heather, and Drew and it just wasn't enough time :( At least I got to see them for a little bit though. Now we are off to Lamar's parents for dinner. I love coming home on the weekends but it seems like it goes way to quick and I never get to spend enough time with all my peeps. I guess we'll just just have to come home more ;)

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Good Friday

  Happy Good Friday everyone. And yes, this has been a "good" friday, we finally found someone to rent out house. I can't tell you how relieved I am. After months and months of waiting and LOTS of prayer, God came through for us. I am beyond thrilled that we will have someone in the house, it's a huge relief and I finally feel like I can breathe again :) Oh and we're going back to Arthur for the weekend so yeah, it's going to be a great weekend. I hope you all have a great weekend and we'll chat tomorrow ;)

Cautiously Optimistic

     Is it wrong to be cautiously optimistic? I hope not because well, then I guess I'm wrong. I'm trying to be a bit more optimistic about things going on right now but it's so hard because I always end up disappointed and I hate that feeling so I guess I'm trying to avoid being disappointed. Yeah I know, I'm so lame either that or I'm just being careful ;)
   On another note, I've started running again, yay me. I always forget how much of a stress reliever it is and I realized too that it's much easier if you run for a certain amount of time rather then running so many miles. My goal is to run for 60min but so far I'm up to 30min. I know it's not much but I'm getting there.

  So I made yet another realization today, I realized that before we moved how involved I was with "God" activites. I had a ladies bible study(which I miss so very much), small group, Revolution, and church and now I feel like I've got nothing. I know that we'll be starting small group here in a couple of weeks but it's so hard to go from so many activites like that to virtually nothing, no wonder why I feel so distant from God. I mean I still do my devotions everyday and pray constantly but I need more then devotions and prayer, I need to have a bible study where we can talk and discuss the Bible and get different opinions on things. I mean, the last couple of days I feel like God isn't even there, I've cried out to Him so many times and I feel like I get nothing and it's so frustrating. I know He hears me but I still feel like He's not there, and yes I know that things will get better and I really hope that it's sooner then later. There's just so much stress right now and well, as you all know stress and I don't get along very well. Oh well, here's to a better day tomorrow.

New Friends......from Champaign

 Hmmm I got nothin' seriously how can I not have anything to say. I feel like all I say is blah blah blah, is that what I sound like to you guys????? I hope not, but if I do please don't tell me ;) We had a dinner party tonight but it wasn't nearly as awkward as the dinner party on The Office, ok so we didn't have a dinner party we just had some peeps over for dinner. Mark, Carrie, and Adam came over for dinner tonight and we had a good time, although watching Mark and Adam, and sometimes Peyton play Lego Starwars is really not that exciting. I did get to know Carrie better and she's hilarious, she's the cat's meow. Ok I have no idea what that means but it sounds like something Adam would say so I thought I would throw that in there. Anyway, that's all for now so nighty night.

Let's just not talk about it.

  Sometimes I wish I wouldn't overhear some things, like tonight Lamar got a phone call  and I bet you can't guess what it was about ;) That's right, the thing I feel like I've talked to death, the house. I told him last week that he's not allowed to tell me if he gets a phone call or anything like that unless he's telling me that it's sold, I know I sound really immature but I guess I'm just afraid of being disappointed again so the less I know that better, right? But then again, now that I overheard the conversation now I'm trying so hard to not get my hopes up but it's so hard not too. I'm definitely not trying to think about so the only thing I'm doing is praying. I pray that this person is the one that's perfect for our house. Well hopefully I will have some better news tomorrow night and I won't be blogging angry ;)

Goodbye's Suck!!!

  The weekend has come to an end and everyone just left, seriously I hate saying goodbye. I feel like a big crybaby but it's so hard knowing that they're going back home and I'm stuck here by myself. I'm really trying to get used to this but right now it's just really hard. I know it will get easier and I just have to be patient but I want to be comfortable here now. Anyway, I've got nothing else so I'm going to have a good cry, then put my big girl pants on and deal with it.

Shopping Peoria Style

  Well this weekend Troy, Eric, Amy, & Angie came to visit us so YAY!!!!! Today us girls decided to go shopping and we had such a good time. We went to Northwoods Mall so Amy could return some stuff and Angie and Amy wanted to spoil Lauren and they took her to Build-A-Bear, I think she was a bit overwhelmed and she wasn't exactly sure what was going on. After we left the store she decided that she liked her bear, I can't wait to take Peyton there sometime he will love it. After that we went to a little cafe for lunch, some of my parents friends gave us a gift certificate for the cafe so we decided to try it out, and it was delicious. We then went to another mall and I can't wait to go back, especially when it's warmer, it's an outdoor mall but not an outlet mall....make sense, I hope so. Anyway, we went to Charming Charlie's and I am in LOVE with that store. It's a jewelry/accesory/shoe store and it's amazing, everything is color coordinated, I think we were in there for about an hour. We also had to make a stop at Old Navy to buy sweatshirts because it was so stinking cold and we couldn't take it anymore. Then we decided to stop by Goodwill on our way home because I heard that it was a really nice one.....hmmmm yeah it really wasn't. First we drove around it 3 different times because we couldn't figure out where the driveway was and we accidently drove the Grandview Drive, at least we got to do that. So finally we stopped and asked someone how to get into the store, yeah we should have not even bothered because it was a bit of a waste of our time but hey, we got a good laugh of driving around the dang store 3 times. And tonight we're going to eat at 5 Guys, which I'm super excited about because we've never been there. So I had a great day filled with food, diet coke, shopping and lots of laughs.

  I have to say that I'm super excited for this weekend because we have some of our best friends coming for the weekend and I'm just so excited. We don't really plan on doing much but just hanging out and having a good time, I think the girls are going to do a little shopping tomorrow but that's about it. Only a few more hours and they'll be here, yes I'm like a little kid I know.
  So I think we've decided that we're going to try and sell the house on our own and see if we can get any buyers. It's just so weird because after we made this decision one of my friends sent me a text about her sister possibly wanting to rent the house(she talked to me about it a couple of months ago) anyway, her sister loves the house and she hasn't even seen the inside of it. I feel somewhat confused because I felt like we're supposed to try and sell it on our own instead of trying to find renters right away and then we get this call about someone maybe wanting to rent it. AAAAGGGGHHH I'm so confused!!!!! I just wish God would email/text/call and just tell us what we're supposed to do and how it's all going  to work out. I know the only thing I can do at this point is give it all over to God and just put all my faith and trust in Him so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I know that it's all going to work out, gosh I wonder how many times I've said that ;) I'm going to try really hard to not talk about the house anymore because honestly I'm pretty tired of talking about so I can't imagine how you all feel :) I will ask you again for some extra prayers in the next couple of weeks that hopefully we'll have more of a definite idea of what's going on with the house because right now I feel like we're in limbo. Thanks all!

Couponing

  So I've recently started couponing and I have to say that I actually enjoy it, well sometimes. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing but then I go to CVS and save some major money and that makes it all better. I went to CVS today and my bill was around $40 and I only spent $7, well technically I spent $17 but I got bucks back for $10 to use on my next purchase. Anyway I was pretty proud of myself, I was just telling Lamar that I almost can't buy anything now unless it's on sale or if I have a coupon. I did go to Wal-Mart the other day for some other groceries and it was the first time I ad/price matched and I almost had an adreneline high, yes I'm lame I know but hey, it's the most exciting thing I have going on right now. I was watching extreme couponing last night and I don't think I could ever do what they do, those people are crazy about couponing. One guys grocery bill was over $600 and he spent less then $50, that's crazy to me but these people also stock pile. They have mini grocery stores in there basement, how cool would it be to just go in your basement and get whatever you needed but like I said I'm not that crazy, well not yet anyway. I have quite a few friends that coupon and I love seeing/hearing all the things they got and how much they paid for it, Christy M and Amber K are rockstars at couponing. Anyway, enough of my rambling on and on about coupons, seriously I need to get out of the house and meet some people then maybe I'd have more to talk about ;)