When do you know is the right time to just give up on certain friendships? That's the question I've been asking myself for quite awhile now. I'm the type of person that if I have a great friendship I will hold onto it for dear life, but in the end I also feel like I'm the only one that's trying to save that friendship and I end up losing. Growing up I always thought that when I was friends with someone that we'd be friends forever, you would think that after all these years I would learn that not all friendships last forever. I'm so thankful that some of my past friendships didn't last, I feel like it's kind of like an ex, once you break up with that person you ask yourself  "What in the world was I thinking and why did I hold on for so long?" I know that I have some friends that no matter how long we go without seeing or talking to each other we will always pick up where we left off when we do actually see each other again. I know since we've moved things have changed drastically and I haven't stayed in contact with some of the people that I thought I would but then people that I thought would continue to be there for me seem to be slipping away. And honestly, it kills me to even think about that. There are some days when I wish we could just go back to the way things were before we moved. But then again, I know I wouldn't be where I am in my life if we had never moved, maybe things would have been easier if I could have just moved all my friends with me ;) I do have to say that I have made some great friends since we moved here and I'm so thankful for that but like I said, sometimes I wish things would be the way they used to be. I think I just need to accept the fact that I can't change the way things are between my friends, I just need to learn to deal with it and move on.

  Do any of you ever feel like you're sinking and there's nothing that you or anyone can do to get you away from feeling that way? I've been feeling this way for the last few weeks and it's just so frustrating, I feel like depression is sinking in and I HATE that feeling. I don't know if it's all the hormones or if it's the fact that there's going to be some major change going on in the next 6 weeks or if it's something deeper. When I feel like this I press into God more but it doesn't seem to work and honestly I'm so tired of feeling like this. I feel bad for Lamar and the kids because unfortunately they have to deal with it too. I just don't like the feeling that I can't get my emotions under control. I was healed from depression a few years ago and for it to try to make it's way back in my life is extremely frustrating. It's hard for me to accept that it is depression because I was healed from it and all I want to do is enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy before everything gets chaotic but I just can't seem to get to that point. I'm worried that whatever I'm going through is going to be harmful to the baby, which in turn adds fear and anxiety and of course that's not good for the baby either. I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I don't know where to go from here. Seriously, I sound like a complete psycho. One thing I can ask is that for those of you who still read this, if there is anyone that still reads this, to please just pray for me. I just want to baby to be healthy and normal and I want to feel like myself again so I could definitely use lots of prayers right now.

   So this blog hasn't gone the way I was hoping for it to go but hey, it's my blog and I can do what I want with it right??? ;) These past few weeks I've come to realize a few things about myself and really it's not things that I like, so yay, more stuff to work on to better myself. It seems like when you want to better yourself it's just a never ending process. Moving on, I've discovered that I really hate being by myself. I know it doesn't seem like it's anything major but really, I just hate it. I think it's just that I've gotten so used to Lamar being at home with me and when he's gone and the kids are at school I don't know what to do with myself. It's just very weird to me because I used to love when I was by myself, yeah not so much anymore. You would think that I would love this time that I have to myself, especially since we'll have a baby soon and then who knows when I'll get time to myself. I think it's just because it gives me to much to think about everything that's going on around me and in my life and honestly it just stresses me out. I just wish I could figure out why this has changed. It seems like my life got completely turned upside down when we moved and some of the things that never bothered me, bother me now and it didn't start until after we moved. Sometimes I just want to go back to the way things used to be, before we moved, then maybe I wouldn't have all these issues. Like I said, I know it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal but to me it is and it's just another thing that I'll have to pray through and deal with. I feel like my list of  "issues" is getting bigger and bigger :/

  We all have our struggles right? So why does it seem like your own personal struggle is worse then someone else's? The good thing is that in God's eyes, it's not worse then anyone else's. I'm slowly starting to realize that. I just love how gracious and forgiving God is, even though He knows that we sin everyday He continues to forgive and love us. He also knows our inner struggles and yet, still loves us. I strive everyday to be who God wants me to be and who He created me to be, but when I fall He's right there to pick me up. I used to think that God was this big, scary man that was just waiting to strike me down the next time I screwed up. I'm so thankful that I've learned that He's not like that at all, sometimes I do forget that He doesn't actually want to strike me down but just wants to love me. I'm so thankful that He's showed me that all He wants to do is just love me.

Family

  Yeah, I haven't blogged for a few days but I was a tad busy and our internet was not working right so I'm a few days behind. Oh well, no big deal right. Today I am so thankful for my family, they were here this weekend because the church had a baby shower for me and Mom and Lisa wanted to come for the shower. And after the shower we put Lisa and Mom to work, Dad was already busy sanding doors. Since I can't really do that much they offered to help out with whatever we needed to be done. Lisa did the trimming in Peyton's new room while Lamar painted and mom cleaned the bathroom. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was definitely a huge help. Angie was here too and she was working on the baby's blanket, so yes she helped out too, especially since I've been giving her a hard time about getting it done before we have the baby ;) I know my family isn't perfect and yes we've had our issues but I love that they're so willing to come and help out whenever we need it. Mom has offered to come over here one day before we have the baby to clean the house, and this is not going to be a Tanya clean this will be a Mom clean(which is way better then a Tanya clean) and yes, I'm very excited about having a "mom" clean house again ;)

   Today was a bit rough for me so I'm trying really hard to find something to be thankful for. I know that sounds bad but I'm guessing that everyone has days like today so I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It's just that I have all these hormones and emotions and there just so frustrating. I'm sure I've said this before but I don't remember being this "crazy" with my other pregnancies. I know it will go away soon but it's just hard to deal with. I guess one thing I'm thankful for is that kids are very forgiving. I've been a bit hard on them the last couple of days and it's not fair to them. I just feel like I've been sucking as a mom lately and I just need  to get these emotions under control and then maybe everything would get better, either that or just have the baby ;) Well maybe not yet because I still have 9 weeks left. Anyway, here's hoping to a better day tomorrow and a more thankful day ;)

Good Dr's

   Today I'm so thankful for the good dr's that I have with this pregnancy.  I had a dr's appointment this morning and it was just a regular check-up. Well over the weekend I hadn't really felt the baby move to much, I wasn't to worried about because I would feel a kick here and there. He just wasn't as active as he normally is and I just assumed that it was normal. So when the nurse came in and asked how I was doing and how the baby was doing, I mentioned to her that I hadn't really felt the baby move that much in the last couple of days. Well, within 5 minutes I was hooked up to a fetal monitor, they didn't waste anytime at all. I was on the monitor for about an hour and everything is fine but the nurse somewhat lectured me, mostly joking but a bit serious too. She asked me why I hadn't called in to talk to the dr and I said that I didn't want to be one of those ladies that calls for every little thing and she just looked at me and said, "Well, this isn't a little thing and if it happens again you need to call in." I'm just really glad that I have a dr who actually cares what's going on and doesn't pass me off as a crazy, pregnant lady.  I really hate switching dr's, especially when you're so comfortable with the one you had before so when we moved obviously we had to switch and I wasn't sure how I felt about the dr's here, but after today I'm glad with the decision that we made.

Happiness in a bag

  This is my own little happiness in a bag. I LOVE these little chocolate eggs. I could eat an entire bag at one time and usually when I buy them, I don't buy one bag I have to buy 2 or 3 bags. They used to only have them around Easter and I always told Lamar that I was going to buy enough to last me a year, I'm pretty sure that they have them around all the time and that makes me extra happy :)

  So I forgot to post what I was thankful for yesterday...oops. I'm just going to blame it on getting no sleep the night before and major preggo brain. On to today, I absolutely adore my friends and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. Last night I met a couple of my friends in Champaign and we had dinner and then went somewhere else for dessert and it was so great to hang out with them and have some girl time. I love that we can usually find a time to get together within a week of just talking about it. My friends are such an important part in my life and I know I need to make more of an effort to not just hang out with them but also let them know how much they mean to me. I love that whenever we get together there's just so much laughter and we can just pick up chatting like we see each other every day. I pray that never ends, we're just all so comfortable with each other and not very many people can say that they have such a great group of friends like that. I'm one of the lucky ones that can say that :)

Today, I am so thankful Lamar is coming going to be home tonight. He's been gone since Tuesday morning and I'm so ready to have him home. I know, I know it's only been 2 days but those of you that know me know that 1, I don't like staying by myself( thank goodness Angie stayed with me these last 2 days since she moved out last weekend) and 2, I just love having my husband home with me. I really don't like that he travels at all but it make me a bit more nervous when he has to travel In the winter months. I'm still so thankful he has a job but I just wish he wouldn't have to travel.

Good Deals

  I have 2 things that I'm thankful for today, number one is the beautiful weather we're having. Well as beautiful as it can get for January. It's sunny and 50 degrees out, it almost feels like spring is just around the corner. Unfortunately it's not and I'm sure that we'll have lots more snow before it's actually spring, but I'll take this weather any day over a cloudy, dreary, snowy day.
  And the 2nd thing I'm thankful for is the Peoria online garage sale website. I was able to get a bouncer seat, bumbo with a tray and safety strap, and a play mat for the baby for $50. That's right $50!!!!! Yes I'm very excited about it, especially since all this stuff is basically brand new. If we bought this stuff new we would be looking at $150-$200 and right now we need to save every penny we can. I love when I find a good deal like that :)

  The kids are back in school!!!!! I bet you have no idea what I'm thankful for today ;) ;) ;) Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but I was about to go insane during this Christmas break. I think their break was extra long, almost 3 weeks. They did pretty well for the first week but then they just got on each others nerves and fought almost non-stop. I wanted to do something fun with them during their Christmas break but it just didn't happen. Lamar was busy trying to get Peyton's new room finished so it was just too crazy around here and we just hung out at the house. We did go back to Arthur for Christmas so at least we weren't here the whole time. I'm always reminded at the end of these holiday breaks how much my kids need a routine and they just function better with a routine. I know I'm going to have to come up with something this summer, especially with the baby. Although it might make it a bit more difficult to have a routine this summer since the baby will be about 6 weeks old when they get out of school. I'm sure we'll figure something out :)

 Today was a bit emotional for me, I'm so not used to all these hormones and they are driving me crazy. But luckily, I have an amazing husband who is ok with these emotions(well I'm assuming he's ok with them ;) ) I had a major moment this morning when I got out of the shower and realized that I have these disgusting veins on my large, tree trunk leg. Thank goodness it's not summer and I don't have to wear shorts but still, they're so disgusting. When I seen them I just burst into tears, I'm just at that point where I feel so disgusting and I'm totally uncomfortable and nothing fits anymore. I just forgot what your body goes through during pregnancy. So once again, I'm so incredibly thankful for an understanding husband who just hugs me and loves me through all these emotions. And he doesn't care that I have to steal his t-shirts because mine don't fit anymore, as long as I give them back. Again, so thankful for an amazing husband who might not have a clue what I'm going through or how I'm feeling but he's just there for me and sometimes that's all I need.

Church Family

  Today I was reminded how grateful I am for my church family. I never thought in a million years that Lamar and I would be helping with a church plant, much less move 2hrs away from the town where we both grew up and leave all our friends and family. God called us to help with this church plant and yes, I was a bit freaked out by it but having the church plant team along side us made the transition so much easier. Today I was just reminded how much I appreciate each and every one of them. They're all very genuine people and we all seem to get along, well for the most part ;) I think the thing that I love the most is that everyone seems so excited for Lamar and I that we're having another baby, they always ask how I'm feeling, how much longer I have, always complementing me telling me that I look great(not like my Dr. who told me I gained to much weight) and they're always there just to encourage me when I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. And today, I had one of the guys from church ask how our remodel in the basement has been going and as I was telling him he told me that we need to have a work day at our house because him and his wife would really like to come over and help wherever they can. It's just that everyone seems so willing to jump in and help wherever they're needed and I love that. I feel so blessed to have a church family that WANTS to help out and just be there to support us. I've said this so many times and I'm sure I'll say it many more times but Lamar and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to go on this church plant with, God once again blessed us beyond anything we could ever imagine.

  So I'm pretty sure when I started this years resolution that I said I would take pictures of things that I'm thankful for or things that make me happy. Yeah, I kind of forgot to do that yesterday but I figure that at least I'm blogging about it and I'll take pics when I can ;)
  Moving on, so today I am thankful to serve such a loving and forgiving God. No matter what mistakes I've made or how far I've walked away from Him, He still loves me and accepts me when I come crawling back. I've done so many stupid things in my life and some days I'm still amazed that God hasn't just written me off, thank goodness He hasn't. I know that everyone says that but I don't know where I would be if He actually had given up on me, it scares me to even think about it. I know that I am not exactly where I would like to be in my walk with Him but I'm working on it and I'm getting there. I get closer to Him everyday and He continues to show me new things everyday. I'm slowly learning that He loves me for just being me, I don't have to prove anything to Him or I don't have to look a certain way He just loves me for being me. I continue to strive to be a better christian and be who He wants and made me to be. I'm just so thankful for Him continuing to love me and forgive me for all my silly mistakes. I so glad to serve such an awesome God.

Today I'm super thankful for Lamar's job. I know there are so many people out there that don't have jobs and are struggling. Luckily, we've been fortunate enough that Lamar has steady work and we have a steady income. I don't like that fact that he does have to travel with his job but it's only a few times a month and I can handle that, at least for right now. We'll see what happens after the baby gets here ;) And when Lamar isn't traveling, he works at home which is great. He has an office in the basement and at first I wasn't sure how I was going to handle having him around all the time but I've gotten used to it and there are some days when I only see him when he comes up to grab some lunch and when he's done working at night. I think we've adjusted to him working from home pretty well. He's fortunate enough to work for a company that was willing to let him switch positions when we moved so he didn't have to look for another job. It took a little less stress off of the move ;) It's also allowed me to be a stay at home mom too and most people can't say that. There are some days when it would be nice to be able to get out of the house and go to work but then again, there's not very many jobs that let you wear sweats and t-shirts to work ;)

Diet Coke-Quiet Time

This is one of the many things that make me happy, my afternoon quiet-diet coke time. Usually the kids have room time every day and I take advantage of the quiet to have a diet coke and just relax. I catch up on my dvr stuff, read, browse online, etc. I know that I probably shouldn't drink diet coke, at least not every day, but it hasn't killed me yet and it's just one of those things that makes me happy. I know this is a really short post but really, how much can you say about diet coke ;)

Days like today didn't make it hard for me to know what I'm thankful for. This morning when I woke up it was only 6 degrees out, it makes me chilly just thinking about it, and I knew immediately that I am so thankful for my nice, warm house. I know there's so many people out there that are homeless and don't have any warm place to go and I always wonder how they survive in weather like this. Anyway, I know that our house isn't big, it's not a brand new house, and yes we've had some issues with it but it's OUR house and I love it. I love that before we moved and we were in the area just looking for houses that we found this one by accident. I knew the minute I saw that for sale sign that this would be our house. I truly believe that God had our GPS take a wrong turn so we could find this house. We've made so many memories here already and not with just our family but also with our friends. I love that we have a fenced in backyard and a full, finished out basement. The only thing I don't like is that it's bigger then our last house and it takes a lot longer to clean ;) I know that I am blessed more then I could have ever imagined.

Hello 2013

 Well this is my first post of 2013, it's crazy to think how fast 2012 went by but like I said in my last post I'm so excited to see what 2013 is going to bring. I think I also mentioned in my last post what my New Year's Resolutions/Goals are but I'll say it again. One of them is to be more conscious of things that I'm thankful for or things that make me happy. So I'm shooting for the first 60 days to do this, I know it's not for the entire year but that's ok. If I do more then 60 days great, and if not, well that's ok too ;) Anyway, so here's the first thing I'm thankful for, my little family. First, I am so amazed at the wonderful husband that God has blessed me with. Lamar is so much more then I ever thought I deserved. He's such a great husband and dad and he's stepped up so much to help me out since I've been pregnant. This pregnancy hasn't been as easy as it was with Peyton and Lauren but Lamar has stepped up and made it a bit easier for me.I couldn't ask for a better man to stand by me and I'm so incredibly thankful that God brought us together. Second, I'm so thankful for my 2 beautiful kids and the one on the way. Yes they can drive me crazy but they both have the most tender hearts and spirits and whenever I'm not feeling well or I'm just super tired, they're always asking if there's anything they can do or anything they can get for me. I love how Peyton is just like Lamar, he always has to be doing something and he's always willing to help out whenever we ask him. And Lauren, well she is such a free-spirit and I just love that about her. I always tell people that if she's around 2 or more people then it's a party and you know she's going to have a good time whatever she's doing. I just pray that she stays that way when she grows up. I love the little lady that she's becoming, it does make me a bit sad that I don't have my little girl anymore but at least now I have a great shopping buddy ;) Third, I'm so thankful for "Max" I can't believe we're actually doing this again. Sometimes I think we're a bit crazy for having another baby but I know it will all be ok. I feel like this pregnancy has gone by so fast and I only have 11 weeks left(I'm hoping it'll be more like 9 weeks) I'm just so excited to see who he's going to look like and what his personality is going to be like, I just can't wait to meet the little guy. God has blessed me with my amazing little family and I think Him for them every day.