Positive/Negative Thinking

    I've recently started reading Joyce Meyer's book Battlefield of the Mind and so far its been really good. There's so much information to take in that I have to read 2-3 chapters at a time because I feel like I need to really absorb what she's saying. Today one of the chapters that I read was about positive thinking, and I think I've actually blogged a little bit about this before. But anyway, she was saying that she used to be an extremely negative person and she always thought the worst things would happen to her, like she always had this weird feeling in her stomach and she immediately thought something bad was going to happen. Holy crap, that's exactly how I am and I hate, hate, hate that this is how I am. She basically said that she had to totally change her thinking process, obviously, but it was also something that was really difficult to do. So of course, I am all about wanting to change my thinking process. I hate that I always think something bad is going to happen. Yes, I know that bad things happen to everyone but if every bad thing happened to me that I've thought of, well I would have been dead a long time ago. It's so crazy how your mind can take you to all these "places" if you just let it. I know changing my way of thinking is definitely going to be a process but I seriously hate all the negativity that goes on in my mind. I really don't remember that last time that I was truly, honestly happy and that's really sad to me. So once again, I have found ANOTHER thing that I have to work on, at the rate I'm going I might not ever get to be the person that I truly want to be.

  We have had a super busy day today, even if it was a holiday. We did get to sleep in though so that was good. We've had a day of running, baking, weeding, cleaning old toys, icing, going to a  cookout, baths, snack, and now we're finally relaxing. The Peoria team had a cookout today and it was a chance to invite people who live in the Peoria area that might be interested in helping to get this church planted. There was probably about 10 people or so that came out so we had a pretty good turn out today. It was nice to meet some new people and put some faces with the names. Days like today just make me more excited to be a part of this church plant, I can't wait to see where we'll be in 6 months and see how everything is going to play out. Like I've said before I know that God is going to do some amazing things and I'm just so excited to see them :)

Well we are on our way home from a fun but busy weekend. I really didn't want to come home this weekend just because It's always crazy and we're running around everywhere but it wasn't too bad, although I didn't get everyone that I wanted too. I guess there's always next time. I'm ready to be home and sleep in my own bed and I know my kiddos are too. Here's to a safe and quick trip home :)

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Today we went over to my parents old house and cleaned out the attic, I seriously did not want to go because, well attics are full of spiders and bugs. But it really wasn't that bad, It's kind of fun going through all the stuff we had growing up. Lauren actually is playing with some of my old My Little Pony's and she loves them. It's so funny to see her playing with them. Anyway, that's all for now, I know this post was so exciting ;)

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Mixed feelings

  Well we are about to leave for Arthur for the weekend and I have to say that I'm really not that excited about it. I really don't know why because normally I would be. Maybe it's because everytime we go back for a visit we're running in 5 different directions the whole time and it's really not that relaxing. One of these times when we go back for a visit I'm just going to tell everyone that we'll be at a certain place and if they want to come and see us then come on over. I'm just tired of trying to divide all our time between friends and family and then you never get to see all the people that you want to and it just pretty much blows. Oh well, it's life right so I might as well just deal with it. Or maybe I don't want to go back because in a way you kind of feel like you've been forgotten, and yes, I know that everyone has to move on and it's not like I made a huge impact but it still sucks. I don't know why I don't want to go back, I'm sure there's lots of little reasons but whatever it is I will try and enjoy myself. For some reason, I just really want to be in Morton this weekend. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have a good time once I'm there.

  As most of you know this move has been really hard for me, I know you guys are probably thinking that I really need to suck it up and put my big girl pants on and yes, I do need to do that believe me I'm working on it. Anyway, so this morning as I was praying I felt like God is trying to show me something amazing and I can't see it because I'm so consumed with this move and what has gone along with this move, missing my friends and family, feeling like I miss out on things that are going on back in Arthur. At this point I think if God slapped me in the face with what He wants to show me, I really don't know if I would see it and that's really sad to me. Because yes, I am missing out on stuff back in Arthur but God brought us here for a reason and I'm missing out on stuff here and who knows what it could be. I could be missing out on a great friendship or meeting new people just because I'm so consumed with the move. Aaaaaaggggghhhhhh seriously I just need to get over it, we're here and there's nothing that I can do about it so I might as well live it up right? I'm tired of "feeling sorry for myself" and just being sad all the time, and I'm pretty sure that Lamar is tired of me feeling this way too. I kind of feel like I'm the EGR(extra grace required) of the church team and honestly I hate that feeling, there should always be someone crazier then me. I did tell the team on Tuesday night that I am kind of crazy so at least they know that now ;) All I want to do is suck it up, put my big girl pants on, I'm an adult and I need to act like it. I need to stop acting like a baby because if I continue to live like this then I'm definitely going to miss out on what God is trying to show me. I so want to see if but unfortunately I can't right now but someday soon I will see it and I know that it will be amamzing.

Summer Reading.

   Well I am in the middle of reading about 4 different books and for me that's a lot because I like to read but I don't LOVE it. Now 3 of the books are encouraging, not really self-help books but there just good books and well the other one, it's not the best book but it's very interesting, it's Steven Tyler's book and it's interesting to see how a rockstar actually lived and all that stuff. Anyway, so one of the other books that I'm reading is So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and I've read 2 chapters so far and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize that I'm a pretty insecure person and I don't really like to admit that but hey I'm looking to change that so that's why I'm putting this out there, so people can hold me accountable. I just hate the feeling of being insecure but unfortunately it's where I'm at in my life but at least I'm willing to step up and change it. It's like a said in my post a few days ago, that it's really hard to figure out the "negative" things about yourself, but if you're willing and ready to change those things then that's good I guess. Part of me doesn't want to finish reading the book, I know I know I'm 2 chapters in, because of what else I might discover about myself but what good is that going to do me if I stop reading the book, because I'm afraid of what else I might discover then how and I going to fix it. At least I'm willing to make the changes that I need to but sometimes it's still hard to "hear" what you need to change, even though I know that I'll be better in the long run. So here's to my journey of changing and becoming a better person.

   Today I went to Champaign to meet Amy for breakfast and as I was driving there I was just kind of watching Lauren in the rearview mirror and it hit me about how innocent she is and  I so wanted to go back to that innocent stage. She doesn't have a care in the world, she's just so innocent and carefree, how awesome would it be to go back to that stage, but then again maybe not. I was kind of talking and praying to God and He showed me an interesting picture. He just showed me how much Lauren relies on Lamar and I, she knows that when she gets up in the morning that one of us will get her breakfast, we're always there to get her something to drink and eat, get her a snack. Basically God was showing me how much Lauren relies on us and He wants us to rely on Him that much, like we need to rely on God to feed us, not just the physical part of eating but also spiritually. I know that I need to rely on Him more then what I do, and I think that goes back to the innocence of a 3 year old and how much they rely on their parents, we need to rely on our Father. I'm one of those people that likes to try and do things myself and try to figure things out on my own but 90% of the time, it just doesn't work so this was a great reminder for me. I can't do this on my own, I need God and I need God my Father to get me through this. I love when God reminds me of things like this, it just makes me smile :)

  Why is it that when you spend lots and lots of time by yourself you figure out things about yourself that you'd rather not know? Basically, I have realized that I have been living with a huge about of fear and worry. Why do I live like this? No one wants to live in fear and worry every single day because it's like you just expect something bad to happen, even though nothing does happen. Obviously bad stuff happens but 99% of the time you just waste your life away with all that worry and fear. I don't know why I feel this way, it's definitely no way to live. I feel like I have this sinking feeling in my stomach all the time and basically it sucks. It's so hard because it seems like everytime I dig deeper into God's word that's when all this fear and worry comes up and yes, I know that it's satan trying to distract me and I know that God is so much stronger then satan but sometimes it gets really old to have to stop doing your devotions at least 3 or 4 different times just to pray satan out so you can go back to concentrating on God's word. Maybe I feel this way because I'm still getting used to the area and everything is still new, I don't know all I can say is that it's really frustrating and I'm determined to beat this. I know that God doesn't want us to live with all this fear, isn't it wrong to have this much fear? As Christians we aren't really supposed to fear anything right? Anyway, I would just like to wake up one morning and not have to deal with all of this and have everything be "normal" whatever normal is.

Checking out a new church.

  Lamar and I decided that we were going to try out a few churches here in Morton just to see what kind of churches are in our community and hopefully to meet some new people. Well today we went to Elevate Church and it wasn't horrible but it definitely was not for us. It really wasn't too bad but it just wasn't the Vineyard. I felt really uncomfortable during worship, I felt like it was more of a concert/show then actual worship. I felt like I should have been sitting in a club or a bar watching some band trying to make it big, I mean they had this light show and it was all very awkward. I really don't want to judge anyone else's church, especially since we've only been there one time but sometimes you just know when that church isn't right for you. The sermon was really really good but other then that, I just didn't enjoy it too much. Lamar and I were talking about it this afternoon and we both said that going to that church was just confirmation that The Vineyard is for us and what we're doing is the right thing. I'm so glad that we both had that confirmation, not that there was ever really a question about The Vineyard being right for us but sometimes you just think is there something more out there. And right now, there's nothing better then The Vineyard and now I'm more excited then I was before to launch The Peoria Vineyard :)

   So all this talk about the rapture has got me thinking, is anyone really ever truly ready for when God returns? Which apparently is supposed to be at 6pm tonight, so I guess I have a few more hours to get everything in order right ;) I think about how my life is and I wonder, have I done enough? What more can I do? Yes, I know that I make mistakes, and lots of them but everyone makes mistakes, I know that I make them every single day but yet, God still loves me. I guess what I'm wondering is how do we know if what we've done in our life and how we've lived our life is enough to get into heaven? I know that God only knows the answer to that question but sometimes I still wonder and question myself. I feel like if I were to die right now that I would go to heaven, but then there's this little voice that is asking "Are you absolutely 100% sure that you're going to heaven when you die?" Which I'm sure that's satan trying to get me down and question my Christianity, but usually when I have that moment that well, maybe I'm not sure I'm going to heaven then it just makes me dig deeper into God's word and makes me want to be a better Christian so I guess satan lost that one ;) I know it would be so much easier if we knew all the answers but God never said that this was going to be easy. So I will continue to study His word and live my life for Him and I can't wait to celebrate with all of my peeps in heaven, which apparently is only going to be 4 hours from now ;)

I have a 6 year old!!!!

  Holy cow, how is it possible that I have a 6 year old? It's crazy to think that Peyton is already 6, I remember the day he was born and everything about it, although giving birth isn't usually something you forget ;) I would like to say that I remember everything about him as a baby, unfortunately I don't. I had to deal with post-partum depression and let's just say it wasn't pretty. I barely remember the first 2 months of his life, yes I hate to say that but it's true. Thank goodness my sister seen signs that something wasn't right and told me that I needed to get some meds. Sometimes when I think about it and how bad it was it scares me and I'm so thankful that he's alive, believe me there were somedays when I didn't think either of us would make it to the end of the day. He definitely is a special little guy, see I had a brother Wendall who died of cancer when I was 15, Wendall was 17 and let me tell you, Peyton looks and acts exactly like him. Which by the way Peyton's middle name is Wendall, it's so very fitting. I remember one day I was over at my parents house and I was going through some pictures and I came across one of Wendall when he was a baby. I actually asked my mom why she had that picture of Peyton and where she got the outfit, I got my own kid and my brother's baby picture mixed up. There are so many people that have come up to me and told me that he looks just like Wendall, so yes Peyton is very special in more ways then one. He has such a tender heart and sweet spirit. I just love him so much and I can't wait to see what kind of a man he's going to turn out to be and I know he's going to be pretty amazing. So Peyton, if you read this someday just know that I love you so very much and I'm so glad that God blessed me with an amazing son like you.

Summer Time

  Oh how I love summer, it just makes me smile. I love that we can just wear shorts, tanks, and flip flops and we're good to go. I never thought that winter was going to end, it annoys me that I have to start getting the kids ready 5-10 min before we need to leave because of the coats, shoes/boots, hats, gloves...So I'm beyond excited that summer is here. I love the cookouts, the walks, the long nights, pool days, just everything about it. I plan on spending a lot of time back in Arthur this summer too, I told Lamar that when he's going to be gone overnight I'm just going back to Arthur, thank goodness he was ok with it :) It will just give me a chance to hang out with my friends more because I know this fall with the church launching we won't get to visit as much as we'd like. I'm super excited that summer is here and I can't wait to get this fun filled summer started, so bring it on :)

  The last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle for me, yes people I'm still dealing with the move. I keep thinking to myself am I ever going to be ok with the move, hopefully I will someday soon. Anyway, so I've been a bit testy the last couple of days and I have to say that when I get in one of these moods it's so hard to get out of it. I feel like I'm stuck in this huge hole and I can't get out and each minute or hour that passes the hole gets deeper and deeper, I just hate that feeling. On the other hand, I also realized that every time I get in that stuck in the hole I try to get out by myself, I can't do it by myself. I know that I need to ask for prayer and turn to God, why is it so hard to remember that? Why do I have to try and do this myself when I know that I have an amazing support system that will pray for me the second I ask them too? I know that asking for help is one of my faults because I don't want to "burden" people but then again, what are friends for. They're there to help you when you're feeling down and to encourage you and lift you up in prayer. So I will make a mental note to ask for prayer and ask for help next time I need it and hopefully I won't get stuck in one of my moods for a very very long time ;)

Just one of those days.

 Do you ever have one of those days when you're tired of yourself? Yes, when you are actually tired of yourself and you just wish that you could leave for a bit, but you can't because well you can't leave yourself. This is what goes on in my head people and I'm sure that I sound crazy but hey, it's my blog and it's how I'm feeling so I can say what I want right ;) Anyway, every now and then I have these moments where anything just sets me off and just makes me angry and that in turn comes the being sick of myself, get it now, awesome. I think that we all have these moments, or at least I hope we do but I guess I'm just the one that's putting it out there too. See I feel much better already by putting this out there and just "talking" about it. With that said, I'm ready to have a good afternoon now and hopefully Lamar will come home to a much more pleasant wife. I feel bad that he's had to deal with me that last few days but thankfully he's been incredibly patient with me :) So thanks Lamar, you're awesome.

   I don't have anything really earth shattering or exciting to say. My day was pretty uneventful so that's definitely a good thing. Hmmm so I guess that's all for this post, man I guess I really need to step it up with my posts, they've been super lame lately.

A good reminder

  We heard a great sermon at church today, Daniel and Katie Goulet were preaching about how we are God's masterpiece. I know I've talked about this before but it's such a nice reminder that we alone are truly God's masterpiece, His chose ones. Even though He knew that sometimes we might stray from Him for awhile or we wouldn't do exactly what He wanted us to do, He still loved/loves us no matter what. And He accepts us as we are because He knew exactly how we would be before we were even born. It's still a little hard for me to wrap my mind around that fact, that He knew exactly how we would be before we were even born. Knowing that fact definitely wants me to try harder to be the person that God wants me to be and yes, it's going to be a challenge but I think I'm up for that challenge. I love when I hear sermons like we heard today because sometimes it's just nice to be reminded of how much God truly does love us, even though we make mistakes He still loves us and to me, that is a huge comfort because we all know that I'm not perfect ;)

    Do you ever just want to put all your feelings out there and just say exactly how you feel? I know I do, I just want to put it out there more then I'd care to admit, but that's the reason for having a blog so you can just put it out there and hopefully no one will judge you. And if they do judge you then stop reading my blog! So this morning as I was running, which I love because it gives me lots of time to think, I realized that I'm pretty angry at God. Yes, I said it I'm angry at God. I'm angry because He put this church plant on Lamar's heart which in turn is why we're here. I'm angry because we DID move away and now I'm not around my friends and family. I'm angry because I feel like my life is a bit disrupted right now. I'm angry because I feel completely alone and no one understands what I'm going through. I'm angry because I'm super emotional. I'm angry because, and yes I said this earlier, but I'm not 5 minutes away from my friends, some of the best friends that I've ever had. I'm angry because I can't have breakfast with Amy every week and just vent and get all our feelings out. I'm angry because we can't just have GP's with Eric, Amy, Troy, and Angie at the spur of the moment. I'm angry because I can't coach volleyball with Sheryl this year, seriously we had so much fun together and we had the best vball girls around. I'm angry because I can't call my family and see if they want to meet for dinner in 1 hour. Yes I know that's a lot of reasons why I'm angry and yes, I'm working on them so don't worry :) But I also have lots of things to be thankful for and things that I love about being here. I love the fact that Lamar works at home now, I didn't think I would like it but I LOVE it. I love the convience of everything. I do know that I'm going to be meeting new people and making new friends and I love that, even though they will never replace the friends back home. I love the even though we have moved it's only 2 hrs. away from home so it makes it so easy to go home for the weekend. I love that Champaign is only1 hour away so it makes it easy to meet up with my friends....hint hint friends ;) I love our house and all the room we have, yes that means more cleaning but that also means when we do have friends come and visit they actually have a place to stay.  I also love the fact that by stepping out and doing what God has asked us to do, that we will be doing things that we most likely wouldn't have done if we hadn't moved. I feel like God has given me the confidence to step out and step up to do things in the church that I wouldn't have done before. I know that this journey is far from over and I'm sure that I'm going to have more moments like this but I also know that God understands our feelings and why we feel this way sometimes, as long as we don't stay angry and stay in that bad place for long, it's ok. I know God has good things in store for us and I can't wait to see what they are.

  So I'm a bit upset right now, don't worry nothing major. Blogger was down last night so I couldn't blog so now, I'm a day behind from blogging every day. Although it was kind of nice because I didn't really have anything to blog about anyway, so at some point I'll blog twice in one day to make up for it ;) Sometimes I wonder why I ever made it one of my goals to blog every single day, I mean yes I talk a lot but it's not like I always have something to say. Anywhooooo, I painted our bathroom today and I love it now I just need to paint the basement and then I think we are all good with painting, at least for awhile anyway. Then Lamar took us out to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings and it was yummy. Well I'm off to relax a bit and hopefully I'll have something more exciting to talk about tomorrow, I've been feeling kind of blah lately so here's hoping to some inspiration tomorrow :)

  Today I made the trip to Champaign to have lunch with my fantastical friend Amy, and let me tell you that it was a much needed lunch. I love the fact that Champaign is only a little more then 1 hour away, it's a perfect meeting spot for me to meet up with my friends. We talked about trying to meet once a week or at least every other week and I'm hoping that I can make that work. Sometimes the phone calls, texts, and emails just don't cut it, you need to have the face to face conversation. I was thinking too that because Champaign isn't so far away and it's so easy to meet up with friends then maybe I won't make to much of an effort to make friends here. I was just thinking that yeah, I can handle meeting up with my friends once a week and I don't have to worry about people getting to know me and trying to decide if they like me or not, because let's be honest I am pretty harsh and very hard to like.....well sometimes. I know that's not the case and I know that I'll make friends here, it would just be so easy to not have too. It would be so easy to just stay holed up in my house and only venture out the get food and get Peyton from school, but in all actual reality, I do need friends, I do need them to be 5-10 min. away. I can't just rely on my friends from Arthur, even though it would be so easy to do that. I know that I'll always have my friends in Arthur and that won't ever change but I'm also ready to meet some new friends too, hopefully some that like Lamar because he can be pretty difficult sometimes.....oh wait that's me ;) I'm just glad that I can alway rely on my friends from Arthur and I know that will never change and that makes me so happy.

Total Intimidation

   Have any of you ever been intimated by anything or anyone? I'm sure that you have and if you haven't well, good for you. Tonight Peyton had a t-ball game and Lauren and I were just sitting there watching the game and then all of the sudden, this lady sits down beside us. And I look over and smile and then it hits me, holy crap this woman is beautiful, now please don't think I'm weird because I said that, but she really was beautiful. She was tall and skinny, had long blonde hair, perfect skin and then I immediately start evaluating myself. I think ok I really need to grow my hair out, even though I just cut it, I need to lose about 10 pounds, I need a tan, I need a whole new wardrobe...etc. Yes, I really did think those things and I really hope that I'm not the only one who has ever thought this about someone. But there was just something about her, and you could tell that she didn't spend hours doing her hair and I don't even know if she was wearing any make-up but she just looked genuinely beautiful. I hated the way I totally sat there and judged myself because someone once told me that if I tell myself that I'm ugly then it's basically saying that God is ugly because He created me. I know that God thinks that I'm beautiful, no matter what and yes, that makes me happy. I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because I'm not going to be like them, I'm just me and God loves me for who I am :)

Uninspired.

I'm feeling a bit uninspired today, I'm not sure what's going on but that's just how i'm feeling. For some reason I was a bit on edge today, I really hate when I have days like that. Luckily Lamar was home so I could just vent to him for a bit and after that I did feel a bit better, just a bit though. Sometimes I just get so tired of cleaning up after the kids, doing laundry, cleaning house, etc. And yes, I know that's my job but every now and then it hits me and I just have to vent for a bit and usually I'm ok. Oh the life of a stay at home mom :/ Anyway, that's all for now.

Happy Mother's Day

  First of all, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. I have to say being a mom is the hardest job ever but it's also so very rewarding. So far today has been a pretty good day, we went to church in Champaign and then went to lunch with my family, which I'm still full from. And Lamar also gave me another mom's gift, he gave me one of the necklaces from Stella & Dot that I've been wanting for forever earlier this week, and then today he gave me Steven Tyler's new book. I know it's kind of a weird combo but I've always been intrigued by him and I can't wait to read the book. Then I got to take a nap and Lamar just left with the kiddos for a while so I can just have some time to myself, so yes, it's been a good day.
  So on the way to church this morning I was just doing some thinking about where my life is and my relationship with Jesus. And I have to say that I'm really disappointed in my relationship with Him, before we moved I felt that I had a great relationship and there were moments when I really felt God speaking to me but since we've moved, for whatever reason I've been slacking in that area. Maybe it's because I'm secretly angry that He asked us to move, or maybe not ;) I don't know why but I would think that I would use this time to draw closer to Him and not further from Him. There was a point when I did feel really close but I don't know, I think it's just because I've slacked off. Yes I do my devotions every night but sometimes my mind wanders and by the time I'm done reading then I have no idea what I just read. Honestly, I'm slightly embarrassed by that, although I know that I'm not the only one who has ever had this issue. I kind of laughed to myself this morning as I was thinking about my devotions and how sometimes I don't remember what I read beause Angie always says that everything in life relates to Friends, well I happened to think of that one episode where they all went to the beach and Ross and Rachel decided to get back together. Well she writes him this letter that I think was 16 pages long, front and back and Ross was supposed to read it because it was important to Rachel and then they would talk about it and decide if they really should get back together. Well Ross fell asleep and didn't finish it but he told Rachel that he did, needless to say she found out later that he didn't read it and it just didn't end well. Anyway, it hit me that the Bible is God's letter to us and it's very important to Him that we read it, and not just read it but KNOW what it says and understand it. So Angie I guess you're right again, almost everything relates to Friends ;) I know that if I had a letter or a book or whatever that I really wanted someone to read and they just kind of skimmed over it or just didn't read but said they did, that I would be really hurt when I found out what happened. I don't really know if this hurts God but I'm sure He doesn't appreciate it. So my goal starting tomorrow is to really dig deeper and really press into to the father, I want to know Him not even like I used too, I want to know Him so much more personally then I ever did before. I want to be able to hear from Him and know that it's from God and not have to question it and I desire to have that intimate relationship with Him. This is one area in my life that I really need to work on right now and especially with us doing a church plant, I really want God to be able to use me in areas that I would have never thought that I could be used and I can't do that if I don't have that relationship. So as I start my journey tomorrow, I'm asking for a few extra prayers because we all know that satan doesn't like to hear this so he's going to try to discourage me. But I'm going to keep pressing in, I don't like this roller coaster where I feel like I have a good relationship and then something happens and bam, I'm back to square one. I want to keep going and see where God is going to take me, I already know that He wanted to bring me to Morton, obviously, but I want to know what's next and I want to see where He wants me here in Morton. I'll keep you posted on this journey :)

  Well I have to say that the house warming party was a success, we had such a great time and I can't wait to have everyone back again and hopefully they'll be able to stay longer. We made breakfast for everyone and then a few of us went to Charming Charlie's and after that everyone left :( Of course Lamar made an interesting obversation too, he told me that I didn't cry when everyone left. That's the first time that has happened, anytime someone leaves or we leave Arthur, I cry and I didn't this time so I guess that means that I'm getting used to this. So I guess I should say YAY!!!!! I am glad that I'm getting used to being away from my friends and family but that doesn't make me miss them any less. My friends are so awesome and I wouldn't be who or where I am today without them, so for that they will ALWAYS be a part of my life and I love them dearly. You guys know who you are and I just want to say thanks for always being there for me, you guys are amazing and I'm so lucky to have friends like you :)

  I'm so looking forward to tonight, we are having a house warming party and some of our friends from Arthur are coming for the night. Aaaaaaagggghhhhh I'm so excited! I feel like I've been going about 100 miles an hour all day just trying to get everything ready and I've been cooking and baking(well one cake and it looks gross) anyway, I'm just ready for a nice relaxing night with friends. I know we're going to have a good time because.....well this is such an awesome group of friends and we always have a good time. I am a little sad because some people can't make it but that's ok because that just means we'll have to have another house warming party ;) I'm off to have some fun now.

Feeling like somewhat of a failure.

  Well apparently I'm a big wimp and I wasn't able to stay by myself last night, luckily my amazing sister Angie left Champaign at 8:30 to come and stay with me, now that's a good sister. And yes, Champaign is only about 1hr. away so it's not to bad of a drive but still she save me :) Ok maybe she didn't save me but she helped me to be able to sleep last night. I do somewhat feel like a failure because I'm 31 years old and have 2 kids and yet, I still can't stay by myself, not even for one night. I feel like I should be able to do this and it's frustrating because I'm fine during the day but the minute it gets dark I get freaked out. I just really want to figure out why I can't or don't like to stay by myself, I just want to get to the root of this issue. I know it would be a lot easier for Lamar to leave too if we got this thing figured out, I'm just thankful that I have such an understanding husband who lets me sob all over him the night before he leaves, yes I'm that girl. Anyway, I'm thinking lots more prayer over this issue is going to be in my near future. I'll keep you posted, and yes, I know you all are on the edge of your seat with excitement ;)

Trying to be strong.

  So as most of you know, I don't like when Lamar is gone for the night because I HATE staying by myself. I think I would rather do anything else then spend an entire night in my house, all alone. I have no idea why I hate it so much but I do. I'm ok during the day but it's almost like the minute it gets dark, I get freaked out. I feel like the biggest chicken ever, I mean I'm 31 and I'm to scared to be by myself. It almost makes me laugh as I type this. But seriously I have no idea why I feel this way, it's almost like the walls close in around me and I hear all the little noises and I don't sleep at all, maybe 2 hours at the most. I've had people pray over me numerous times and yet, it seems like nothing changes. I just want to be ok with being alone, that's all I'm asking right now. Anyway, I really am trying to be strong right now but part of me just wants to jump in the car and drive back to Arthur but of course, that really wouldn't solve anything. So I guess I will stay and fight through this and I'm hoping that I will actually get some sleep tonight.

Battlefield of the Mind

  So I'm reading Battlefield of the Mind right now and I've only read 3 chapters but so far, everything is true. I'm just amazed at how if you just let your mind go then it goes places where you don't want to go. Yes, I have been fighting this battle for a long time and I'm really trying to overcome those thoughts, hence me reading the book. As I was reading last night, Satan just started attacking me with these crazy thoughts and of course I just wanted to yell at him and say can you please give me a break, at least for an hour. I just said a little prayer and that did the trick too ;) Joyce Meyer wrote the book and she said in there that if you constantly think negative thoughts then your life will be full of negativity and if you constantly think postive thoughts then you'll just be much happier. Of course, just because you're thinking positive thoughts doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen to you but you just look at life a bit better. And I've been doing good with the positive thoughts for today and then, well satan slapped me in the face with an attack again. Serioulsy I just want to punch him in the face, i'd like to think that would make me feel better. Anyway, Lamar is going to be gone tomorrow night and I was fine with it today and then all of the sudden, I'm thinking that I can't do this, I can't stay here by myself, what if something happens, what if.....etc. I'm really trying to be strong and know that God is going to take care of me because I know He will but it's just something that I have to get through my head, that God is here, His presence is in this house and He's going to take care of me. So I will continue to fight this battle that raging in my mind, gosh that sounds scary, and I will win this battle I'm not going to let Satan get me. But I will ask that if you think about it just say a little prayer for me tomorrow night that I can actually sleep and feel comfortable with Lamar being gone.

  I don't feel like blogging tonight so this is all you're getting. Sorry peeps!

Sunday Nights

  I just have to say that I miss my Sunday night panic group, we always hung out every Sunday night and ate pizza, junk food, and played panic. And well, now we don't do that anymore and it makes me sad. We did have pizza for dinner tonight so I guess we kept that tradition, of course it's not the same because, well you can't play panic with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Anyway, I'm starting to be ok with being here but then I have moments like this and I really miss my traditional Sunday night with my friends. I know we'll make new friends and have our own traditions(they won't be as good;) ) but it won't be the same. I know nothing is ever going to be the same again, and yes I have to be ok with that. I think it would just be so much easier if all my friends would have moved here with us of course I know that's not how it works. Anyway, well I'm off to watch a movie with the kiddos, so until tomorrow.