My day started out at about 6:15am(yes that's am, I don't get out of bed before 7:30) and it wasn't a good thing that it started that early. Our new dog Mia decided that she had to go potty and I woke Lamar to see if he wanted to let her out, just because he mentioned the night before that he had a lot of work to do and needed to get started early. Anyway, it was a good thing Mia needed to go potty because Lamar discovered that we had water coming in our drain....again. That's the 3rd time in 4 weeks, we had a plumber come out 4 weeks ago to clear the drain and Lamar had to clear it out again himself a week later, neither of us were very happy. Well needless to say when Lamar got to the basement there was water everywhere, he came in and woke me up to tell me what was going on. I was trying to not freak out because we have a root issue and eventually we have to have professionals come in to get all the roots out, which will cost us about $3,000 because we have that kind of money just laying around. So I start crying because I'm thinking that we're going to have to spend tons of money to get the water out of the basement and we're going to have to bite the bullet and clear the roots. In the meantime I was texting Angie and Amy, I kind of told them what was going on and they both said that they will be praying and hopefully everything will turn out ok. Well thank goodness for prayers because Lamar was able to clear the drain and Ben came over to help us get the water out of the basement. So about 60-80 gal of water later, the basement was clear, not completely dry but no more standing water :) I was talking to Angie later this afternoon and she told me that she was praying all day for us and asking God that it would cost half as much to get this taken care of, well thanks for the prayers girls but it cost much less then half :)  I'm just so incredibly thankful that no matter what's going on people are willing to pray about it, even if it is an issue with water in the basement. I'm also thankful that we have people in our lives that are so willing to come and help us out, so thanks Ben, you are awesome and Lamar and I are so thankful you were able to come and help us out. I'm definitely not happy how today started but I'm happy that God reminded me that no matter what He's always there to answer your prayers, even if it still includes hours and hours of vacuuming up water ;)

   Sometimes I really wish people could get over the things you've done in your past and see the person that you are today. I've really been struggling with this fact lately, there's some people in my life, not my close personal life but their still in my life, that I feel like they just can't get over my past. I've gotten over it so why can't they get over it. It's so frustrating because I know that I'm not the person that I was 5 years ago or even 1 year ago and yet they can't see that. Now I'm not going to let that get me down it's just more annoying then anything. I guess it makes me want to work harder to prove to people that I actually have changed. Or maybe these people don't really think that and it's just my own insecurities and questioning myself that I really have changed. Anyway, these are just my thoughts for today and as you can tell they're a bit scattered, which is not unusual at all ;)

Ok I'm just going to warn you right now that my mind is going about 100 miles an hour and I have so many things that I want to say, so I might be all over the place with this post but just bear with me :) So we went back to Arthur this weekend and I'm always excited to go back an visit but the last couple of times we've been there I feel more and more like an outsider. Now it's nothing that anyone did or anything like that but it's just how I feel and I was talking to someone about it this weekend and I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's just God's way of helping me cope with the move. We've been here almost 3 months now and I have to say that I really enjoy it here, I love love love the convience(sp) of everything, it's so nice because I don't have to plan an entire day or at least morning just to go get groceries. The only thing that I miss is not having met very many new people, I miss the friendships. I miss being able to call people up and see if they want to meet for dinner or watch a movie or whatever, and yes I know that those friendships will happen but right now it's the only thing I miss. And of course I miss my wonderful friends back in Arthur too, it would be so perfect if they could just move here....hint hint ;) I realized this morning that this move is probably the best thing that we could have done. I was going back through my life and I realized that I was always in someone's shadow, not that that's a bad thing, but being in someone's shadow never gives you the chance to step out on your own. I feel like with this move that I don't have a choice but to step out on my own, and honestly I'm kind of excited about it. Last week Ben talked to Lamar and him and Tina want to meet with us just to see what our role in the church will be, like where we feel what God is calling us to do. And as I was out running one morning I started praying and asking God what my role is and I barely got the sentence out and He puts this "role" in my mind and I actually started laughing a little. I told God that I think He meant that for someone else, I was then reminded of Peyton who when you tell him something and it's the answer he doesn't want to hear he keeps asking why/what/when, over and over again(let me tell you, that annoys me so much) But God said you're doing the same thing that Peyton does, why can't you just take what I say or tell you and not ask questions? So going back to being in someone's shadow, this is going to give me the chance to step out on my own and yes I'm excited but I'm also extremely nervous. I know that I will make mistakes but how else am I going to learn but I also know that I'm going to have people there encouraging me along the way. Yesterday we went to church in Sullivan and Di was preaching and she had a great sermon and it was so what I needed to hear. She was basically talking about taking that big leap off that cliff and taking a chance, so here I am, ready to take that leap. I don't want to be in someone's shadow anymore, I want to step out and be my own person. I want to be Tanya(gosh that's really cheesy) but I'm sure you all know what I mean. So today as I sit here, crying while I'm writing this, I can honestly say that I'm happy that I'm here, I didn't think I would ever say that. I thought I would be pretty angry at God for asking us to move but 3 months later, I'm so glad I'm here. I'm so excited to see where He's going to take us and I'm ready to step out and take that giant leap.

  Here I am again, I'm back at this same place that I was a few months ago. Lamar left this morning and won't be back until Wednesday so here I am terrified to stay by myself. So what did I do, I had to let go of my pride and ask Tina to come and stay with me tonight. It's actually kind of embarrassing that I'm 31 and I have to ask someone to come and spend the night at my house. I hate this feeling and I just want to figure out and get to the root of the issue of why I am terrified to stay by myself. I'm totally fine during the day, I don't mind being by myself during the day at all. It's when it get dark and late at night that's when I get freaked out and I don't know why. Lamar and I were praying about it last night and we've figured out that it's not just fear anymore it's moved on to terror. I remember the first night that he was gone after we moved, I have no idea what time it was, late I'm sure, but I remember sitting on the couch sobbing and just shaking uncontrollably(sp) I never felt like that when we lived in Arthur, yeah I was a little scared but it was never this bad, so I guess I'm wondering what changed? Maybe it's because I'm still getting used to living here, I don't know but I really want to figure out how to fix it and deal with it. I know it makes it harder for Lamar to leave when I'm feeling like this. So I guess we'll continue praying and hopefully we'll get to the root of the issue soon, I don't like feeling like this so I'm definitely ready to deal with it and move on.

   Today I was trying to think of something to blog about all day today and do you know what I came up with........nothing. So I've made a decision, I've decided that I won't be blogging every day. I know you all are so disappointed because my posts have been so riveting lately ;) I know that I said that I would blog everyday for a year but when you've got nothing to say then why blog about it. At least I made it 164 days, Yay me! So hopefully I can at least blog everyother day but we'll see. I guess that's all for now, so I will "see" you all in a couple off days :)

We are on our way home from Ben and Tina's, we had a pizza and game night tonight and we had a lot of fun. Everytime I hang out with the team it just feels more and more like this is where I need to be, so yay for that. I'm just happy that I'm starting to feel more comfortable here, yes I still miss my friends like crazy in Arthur, but it makes it easier to be away from them the longer I'm here. Anyway, that's all I got for now, so later taters

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Meeting new people

   Tonight Peyton had a tball game and Shalome said that she would meet us there because she's knows a bunch of the people on the team that Peyton was playing that way I could meet some of them. I'm so glad that she met us there, I got to meet her cousin and a really good friend of hers and they seemed so so nice. They seemed like people that I would actually want to hang out with. As cheesy as this is going to sound and yes I'm going to say it anyway, it just gave me hope that I will actually make friends here, super cheesy I know but it's true. I know that I'll make friends but sometimes it's really hard if you don't have someone there to introduce you to their friends, know what I mean? Anyway, I'm just so glad that I was able to meet some new people and hopefully we can develop friendships through this.

What have I accomplished?

  So today I was filling out more job applications, which by the way is so boring and time consuming, and for some reason I started asking myself what have I accomplished in my life? What have I done worthwhile? I've done absolutely nothing, yes I've had jobs and all that stuff but when I had/have a job I stay at the same position, I don't get promoted or anything like that. To me, it's quite sad, it almost makes me feel kind of like a loser, but not quite ;) I mean I'm 31 years old, I've never gone to college, I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life so I guess that's why I didn't go to college, but here I am with no major accomplishments. It just makes me sad to think about it but another question is where do I start? Yes, I am 31 but I still have a life but where do I even begin? I really want Lamar and my kids to be proud of me but what is there to be proud of? I guess this just makes me want to find what I'm good at and do it well so I can make my family proud of me, of course the question is how do I find that "thing" that I'm good at? I guess I just keep trying and trying until I figure it out, hopefully it's soon.

     So I'm trying to process through some things right now so this won't be much of a post. Don't worry it's nothing bad that I'm processing, I've mentioned that I'm reading Battlefield of the Mind and right now there are so many things going on in my mind right now that I can't put it in writing just yet. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I highly recommend that everyone read this book. I'm only about a quarter of the way through and it's already taught me so much, this will definitely be getting read again :)

It's summer time :)

    Well today was one of those days that you either had to be at the pool or playing in the sprinkler, it was around 90 today so yeah, it was hot. I'm definitely not complaining though because I will take this weather over cold weather any day. We did break out a small inflatable pool for the kids and they had so much fun. I honestly didn't think that they would play in it that much but they played in it for about 3 hours, and poor Peyton got a bit of a sunburn, at least they had a good time and they were nice and worn out too :) I was going to take them to the pool here in Morton but I found out that the kids are not allowed to use floaties, they have to use coast guard approved life jackets, yes I'm serious. I don't even know where to buy the coast guard approved life jackets, I know that you can buy life jackets at Wal-Mart but are they the right ones? Plus, we don't have a ton of extra money to spend on life jackets right now, so the inflatable pool in the backyard it is. I'm just glad that the kids had fun, I'm thinking that this pool will get a lot of use this summer.

To get a job, to not get a job.

   Well I've been going back and forth about getting a job or not. I feel bad because right now I'm really not contributing to anything, bills, food, clothes, etc. so I'm trying to decide what I should do. I've noticed that there are a few places that are hiring right now but is it worth it for me to get a job. I couldn't work during the day because it definitely wouldn't be worth it for me to pay for a sitter because I would most likely just be making minimum wage, and well daycare/babysitting is expensive. So I would have to work at night and do I really want to work at night? No I don't, I wouldn't really see Lamar that much and I know that I would be missing out on cookouts, small group, and whatever else we might do. I really wish that I could get Stella & Dot going here because that would help so much but it's so hard to get a business like S & D going when you move to a new town and you don't know anyone, it would just be really awkward to ask strangers to have a S & D party for you, so once I get that going I really feel like I should be doing something else. I guess I could always fill out some applications and see what happens, I mean I can always turn a job offer down. Although if I would get offered a job, at this point it would be pretty difficult to turn it down.

   I don't really have much to say today, my day was pretty relaxing. Angie and I slept in and went on a walk later, relaxed in the afternoon and then did some shopping. So it was a pretty good day, I definitely needed a day like today, you know because I don't have enough of those days where I do absolutely nothing ;) I guess that's all I have for now.

   Last night I went to Champaign to stay with Angie because Lamar is gone and I didn't want to stay by myself. Well after I put the kids to bed we were watching TV and just hanging out, well we started talking about things going on in our life and all that good stuff. Now Angie is much, much older then me(sorry I had to get that in there Angie) so all my life I've kind of felt like I'm the younger, annoying sister but last night it didn't feel like that. I truly feel like even though Angie is my older sister that she now sees me on the same level as her, well somewhat anyway. I don't know, it just felt nice to sit there and basically pour our hearts out, I love having sister moments like that. And yes, I'm sure she probably thinks that I can still be the annoying, younger sister but it was nice to not feel like that last night. So thanks Angie, you're the best :)

   Today I was going to take the kids to the zoo with Tina and Shalome, unfortunately it's been raining most of the day so we didn't go. We did go over to Shalome's for lunch instead and we had a good time, the kids played so well together so it gave Tina, Shalome and I just a chance to relax and have a good chat. It's just nice to get to know everyone a little better and the more I get to know the team the more I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. Of course, that feeling could change tomorrow......although I really hope it doesn't. But it does feel good to feel more comfortable around these people that I'm going to be doing life with and just feeling more comfortable in general. I'm slowly, slowly starting to feel like this is home. It feels so weird saying that Morton is feeling like home, it's a good feeling but still a little weird. I know the more we're here obviously the more comfortable I'll be with living here. I really can't wait until Morton really feels like home.

  Well I don't have much to say, I didn't to much today but clean the house and just relax a little, exciting I know. So I guess this is all you're going to get today.