Jan.31

 Well today is the last day of January and I have blogged every day this month.....WOOHOO!!!!!! I guess that means I only have 334 days of blogging every single day. Holy cow, how am I going to find something to talk about every day for the rest of the year, 1 month was hard enough. Oh well, i'm sure I'll come up with something because I said I was going to do it and I'm not about to give up. This has actually been great discipline for me, I realized by doing this that if I say I'm going to do something then I need to stick with it and not flake out on it. Anyway, I guess I really don't have much else to say, which is odd, so hopefully tomorrow I'll have something a bit more exciting to say.

Peyton

  So tonight I've decided to blog about Peyton, especially since I blogged about Lauren the other day, I just don't want Peyton to feel left out ;) Peyton is my tender-hearted little man, he's always had such a sensitive, sweet spirit and I just love that about him. He reminds me so much of Lamar it's crazy, although I guess that's a good thing since Lauren is just like me, he's pretty meticulous about things and he likes things done a certain way. I did figure out a few years ago that he likes a routine and he likes to know what he's doing the next day and where he's going and if he's going to school he likes to know what's for lunch the next day,  I just wish I would have known this a long time ago because it might have made things a bit easier. It's so crazy because he looks and acts just like my brother Wendall did, I have been told hundreds of times that he looks exactly like Wendall did at that age and I have to say that it's pretty cool. I can't wait until he's old enough so I can tell him about Wendall, he's heard us talk about him before and he's made the connection that he was named after Wendall but that's about it, I'm pretty sure he's going to have to be just a bit older to understand what happened. Peyton is my cuddly little guy and he's always been that way, he still loves to come and sit on my lap and just cuddle with me and I'm so glad that he loves to do that because  I know it won't be long before he's too big to do that so right now I'll take it any chance I get. I just love watching him grow into this wonderful little man.

My 2 Favorite Peeps.

Have any of you ever had a friend or friends that you could hang out with all the time and you would never get tired of them? Well last night I realized how much a certain couple means to me. We hang out with Eric and Amy quite a bit, usually on Sunday nights we'll get together and play cards and Amy and I usually go for breakfast together once a week. Well Eric hasn't been feeling well this week and they had to take him to the ER in Springfield last night to have them check out his heart. Amy had sent me a text to tell me that they were taking him in and my heart just stopped for a bit and I almost had a freak out moment but I composed myself, I just wanted to jump in the car and drive to Springfield to be with Amy but unfortunately I was in Champaign and we had my mom and dad with us. So on the way home I just kept praying for them and I realized how much these 2 people mean to me, we've become so close and I just love them to pieces. I was talking to Eric's mom at work today and I was asking her how he was doing this morning because I hadn't heard anything yet, well as she was talking I started crying and I had to walk away. I mean I know that he's had to deal with this all his life but now that we're such good friends and I know how hard it is on Amy, it just broke my heart thinking about what she was going through last night. I know that we will never find another Eric and Amy to hang out with when we move and honestly I don't want to, these 2 people are some of my favorites and they have no idea how much I will miss them when we move. And yes, Eric and I "fight" a lot but I know that he loves me and that he's going to miss me, even if he would never admit it.

Rascal Spot Unicorn

    I'm sure you are wondering about the name of this post, well Lamar didn't give me topics to talk about this time. This is actually the name of Lauren's pillow pet. So I've decided to blog about Miss Lauren today, she is one of those kids that you just look at her and smile. Now that i've finally figured out her personality type it's a bit easier to "deal" with her. Now don't get me wrong, she's not a bad kid at all actually she's a pretty good kid, she's just a free spirit. It's so funny because a couple of months ago we were at my parents house for dinner and Lauren could not hold still, she was wiggling around like crazy just chatting away, basically doing everything but eating. Anyway, I was kind of getting on her case because she was just goofing off and my parents started laughing and they told me that I used to act the exact same way. Well, at least now we know what we have to look forward too, or something like that. Lauren is your typical free spirit, she never walks anywhere she runs, prances, or dances wherever she goes, she's constantly singing and making up songs, let's just say that it's never quiet when she's around. This morning I was getting ready and I told Lauren to get dressed well, Lamar comes in the bathroom and said that she's swinging her shirt around swatting at invisible flies. I started laughing and I said why do you think I tell her to get dressed about 20 min. before I'm actually ready to leave, because this is what she does, she just gets distracted and "forgets" what she's supposed to be doing. Now don't get me wrong  I do love this little girl to pieces and I have to say that when she starts school I'm going to miss my daily entertainment.

The Real Housewives of Arthur

  Tonight I was telling Lamar that I am going to breakfast with a bunch of ladies tomorrow morning and he asked me if we were now the Real Housewives of Arthur. Of course I thought that was pretty funny because well, we kind of are like that. We're just not as shallow and self-involved as they are and I'm pretty sure that not one of these Arthur ladies thinks it's ok to spend $1000 on a pair of shoes. As I sit here I have to think about how the Real Housewives are portrayed, I mean they all look like they have the most glamourous life ever, they have a disposable income, can go on these amazing trips....etc. But if you really think about it, how can they be happy. Yeah it would be nice to just be able to do whatever you wanted and not have to worry about how you're going to pay for it but honestly these ladies are so miserable and are constantly trying to get the next best thing, whether it's a car, shoes, a new house or even a new face(a lot of them have gotten plastic surgery). It makes me sad to think about all the young girls that watch this show and think that they want to live just like them. Money can't buy you everything but unfortunately in today's world it's all about money but what about Jesus. Where's He's at in all this? Think about what the world would be like if it was more Jesus centered and not money centered, I promise you the world would be a much better place.   

  Yesterday I went to bible study and a friend of mine told me that she needed to talk to me about something. Of course I'm immediately thinking the worst, like what did I do, did I say something that I shouldn't have, I was about to drive myself crazy. Well she was able to come over last night and she was actually telling me about some dreams that she had been having about our friendship. Basically what she was getting from the dream is that I was trying to push her away and I didn't really want to have anything to do with her. Well as we went on talking I realized that I was pushing her away, it's not like I was doing it on purpose but I know that the closer we get to moving the harder it's going to be, so in my subconcious(sp) mind I started pushing her away so maybe it wouldn't be so hard when we actually do move. I told her that I don't want to push anyone away because all my friends mean the world to me but sometimes that's just how I cope with things, when I know that it's going to be hard I try to take myself out of the equation. I told her that I should be loving every single minute I spend with my friends and not think about the fact that we're leaving in 9 weeks. So I have decided that whenever I spend time with my friends from now until we move, I will cherish all the time we spend together and I will be taking lots of pictures(don't say I didn't warn you). Yes I know I sound like we're moving across the country rather then 2 hrs. away. I know this time that I have left here in good ol' Arthur is going to go by way to fast so I'm going to try really hard to just love every minute of it.

Breakthrough!!!!!

  Today I think I had my first major breakthrough with something that I've been dealing with for the last year or so. I've been incredibly angry about so many things that have gone on and I just didn't know how to deal with it. But as I was doing my healing journey homework this afternoon God showed me some of the things that I'm dealing with has to do with me not being able to let go of what happened with my family. It totally hit me like a ton of bricks when I read this paragraph, "The hurts and wounds we experienced, if left unprocessed, take on a life of their own and can actually affect how the brain secretes its hormones. This can cause depression, anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, headaches, arthritis, and other physical ailments." When I read this I was thinking that I have at least 4 of those symptons, now I'm not a hypocondrac(sp) but if you've read some of my previous posts then you know that I've been struggling with anxiety a lot.  I guess I didn't realized that if you don't deal with things then you can actually have physicaly ailments and it can just totally ruin you life and you'll can be a life filled with bitterness and anger. And I just want to say that I don't want to be filled with all this bitterness and anger, I want to be happy and filled with complete joy and be happy with everything that God has blessed me with. And believe me, He's blessed me a lot and I want to soak it all up and be happy again.

It's happening.

 Today has been so emotional for me, it finally hit me that we are moving in 9 weeks. Before when I would talk about moving it was more of an excitement then anything because I was just ready for a change. But this morning I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks and it's just been an emotional morning. I realize how much I'm going to miss the comfort of living in Arthur, where I pretty much know everyone. And now, I'm moving to a town where I know absolutely nobody, that's huge for me. I like the comfort of my home and now I'm going to be completely out of my comfort zone but I know that it'll be good for me. I want to enjoy every single moment that I have here with my friends and the safety of Arthur and not let my emotions over shadow that.  Today in my devotions God reminded me that it's ok to ask Him for help, so of course in the midst of my sobbing I cried out to Him and I just felt peace come over me and I know it's going to be ok. And yes, it's still going to be an emotional ride but I'm going to try and not let my emotions overshadow what God is doing.

Baptism Sunday

 Today we had baptism sunday at church and I got to witness 2 amazing kids get baptized, plus their parents are good friends of mine so that made if even more special. I think both the kids are around 9 and as I was watching them get baptized it took me back to when I was that age. And honestly, I don't even think that I knew what baptize meant or what it even was. But the thing that's so cool at the Vineyard is that anytime we have baptism Sunday they bring all the kids over from kids church and they get to watch what goes on and the kids are always so enthralled with what's happening. I know the first time Peyton seen it he was full of questions and he told us that he wanted to get baptized, I'm so looking forward to that day. He did tell Lamar this morning that he wanted to get bath-tized, I thought that was pretty cute. It's so cool to see all different ages getting baptized, today I think it ranged from about 9-30(or somewhere in there). I was just amazed at what a young age these kids are at and that they're ready to give their lives over to God and make such a big commitment, I think it's awesome. I've actually considered getting rebaptized because when I did it I felt pressure to do it because all my friends did it and I was afraid to miss out on something, I didn't actually realize what exactly I was doing. And now, my life is so completely different, I'm at such a different place now then what I was back then and  now I realize there's something bigger then just getting "dunked" I'm just  ready to make that recommitment.

My Sister.

 Since my sister wrote about me in her blog yesterday I decided that I was going to write about her today. Well I have to say first that I am the youngest and she is WAAAAYYYYY older then me, sorry Angie I just had to get that out of the way ;) We haven't always been as close as what we are now, there's 7 years between us so growing up obviously she didn't want to hang out with her little sister. And now, well I'm just so awesome that she always wants to hang out with me, either that or she's just using me to get to Lauren :) Anyway, we're definitely a lot closer now then I think we've ever been. We've been through so much together and I'm so happy to have her in my life. I know that I can go to her for anything and there's no judgement at all, she's just there to listen and if I want her advice she'll give it and if I don't want it I'll just tell her, yeah I'm pretty blunt like that. I just want her to know that I love her to pieces and she's such an amazing person.

Open House

  So tonight I had my first jewelry open house for Stella & Dot and I thought it went pretty well. I would have definitely liked to have more people there but that's ok because I'm just getting started. I never thought that I would be selling jewelry because I really don't wear it that much. Of course, now that I have some really great pieces I'll be wearing it a lot more ;) I'm pretty excited for this new business adventure, plus it's a great way to meet people when we move to Peoria.
  Lamar went to Peoria today to get some stuff finalized on the loan for the house and we actually got a little surprise. We don't have to come up with as much money at the closing as what we thought so that's definitely a blessing. I love when God does stuff like that, it seems like God just continues to surprise us with this whole moving process and I can't wait to see what He's going to surprise us with next.  YAY GOD!!!!!

Boogers, Bicycles, Beavers, and Bears.

  So I'm sure you're wondering why I would name this post boogers, bicycles, beavers, and bears. Well I'm having a hard time writing about stuff right now so I asked Lamar for a topic......and this is what he gave me. Seriously, why would he say this but I'm going to go with it and maybe I'll get a few laughs, but I doubt it ;) So here it goes. Ok honestly, I think boogers are the most disgusting thing it makes me want to gag just thinking about it. One of my friends actually made me gag by talking about boogers so much, of course she thought it was the funniest thing I on the other hand did not. Also, I want to tell people that are driving along picking there nose that just because they are in their car does not mean that they are invisible so get a kleenex and blow. Bicycles, well I used to love riding bike. Me and my brother used to go on bike rides all the time, we had this bridge close to our house and we always rode our bikes there and just hang out and chat.....good times good times. Beavers, well anyone that knows me really well knows that I'm laughing right now. Why is the word beaver so funny, I have to ask myself that everytime I laugh when I hear it. Honestly, it's kind of embarrassing, I mean, I'm a 31 year old that thinks the word beaver is funny. Wow I really need to grow up. Bears, well there's not a lot to say about bears other then I think it would be so cool to have a pet bear. They look so cuddly and snuggly, well that is until they open their mouth and try to eat you for dinner. To bad the bear cubs don't stay little, now those would be some seriously cute pets. Ok well sorry for yet another lame post, but at least there's nothing major or earth shattering that's going on right now. I'm sure that will come soon enough. Well I'm off and let's hope for a better post tomorrow :)

 So it's been 18 days since I've started this new blogging adventure and it really hasn't been too bad. Well except for today because I actually have nothing to say, shocking I know because I ALWAYS have something to say. So I guess this is my post for today, yes it's lame I know but I said I was going to post something everyday so here you go. Hopefully, I'll have something more exciting to say tomorrow ;)

3 Long Months

  As I sit here looking outside at this dreary afternoon, I'm reminded how much I don't like Jan-March. Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those months and, right now there's no snow so yay :) I just don't like that the sun rarely comes out and I'm a person that NEEDS the sun. So it just makes me sad when it's so dreary all the time. It used to not be so bad when I could just go tan once a week but now I can't and it just makes it really hard. As I've mentioned before in pervious posts about my sudden struggle with anxiety that's just another one of my feelings that seems to be hightened right now and it's so frustrating. I'm determined to overcome these feelings and emotions but sometimes it's so crippling that I can't function. Anxiety and depression just don't mix, I didn't realize how much it affects me and I hate that. I'm a stronger person then that but sometimes I just feel like a little baby that just wants to cuddled and loved on and then everything will be ok, unfortunately it doesn't quite work that way. I know that this too will pass but when you're in the moment it seems to drag on for forever. I just need to get through these next few months and then it will be spring....woohoo. I did see on someone's fb status that there's only 60 more days until the first day of spring and that did put a smile on my face.

   I had such a relaxing day today, I feel like I've been going non-stop for weeks and it was time for me to just have a day at home with nothing to do. I love days like that and  I could use a few more of them. Anyway.....so this afternoon as I was doing my devotions I really felt God speaking to me and I've actually been struggling with that lately, just being able to hear God and hear what He's saying. So I was reading in Exodus and it was about Moses and the burning bush and how the angel appeared to him and spoke to him. And I was thinking to myself, how cool would that be for an angel to appear to me and speak to me in a burning bush, of course if that would happen and I told people that they would think I was all kinds of crazy. But I felt like God was saying that I might not appear to you like I did for Moses but I can still appear to you in a very powerful way and I'm here to show you how powerful I am. It's so awesome to hear that from God, especially since I've really been struggling with hearing God lately so for Him to say that gives me hope. It gives me a renewed spirit and I can't tell you how excited I am to see what God has in store for me because I know it's going to be good :)

Panic Group

  Usually on Sunday nights we get together with Eric, Amy, Troy, and sometimes Angie(when she's down here) to play panic. Well as we were hanging out and playing cards tonight, I realized that we won't be able to do this much longer. We only have 9 Sundays left in Arthur and that makes me really sad, it seems like all of these times that we spend together in the coming weeks will all be bittersweet. This group of people is such a fun group and I know that when we hang out it's going to be a good time and full of laughs. It's so funny because as I look back over the last couple of years I'm not even sure why or how we started hanging out so much, I know it started with garage parties but that's all I rememeber. But it's grown into so much more, we're so comfortable with each other, I mean, Eric was farting like crazy tonight....yeah he's that comfortable around us. We can have moments when we just need to vent about things and just get whatever we need to off our chest and then we're good and there's no judgement. I know that I won't find friends like them when we move and I don't want too. I'm not looking to replace them because in my mind, I will only ever have one panic group. I love them dearly and I am definitely going to miss our Sunday nights.

Ramblings

  Well I think I'm having writers block or maybe it's blogging block, I don't know but whatever it is I've got it. I was at work all day today so I have nothing exciting to say. I didn't even have an interesting customer come in, it was kind of a boring day. Well I do have one thing to say, I'm pretty happy that I have only 5 maybe even 4 more waitressing days left. I've been waitressing for 8 years now and I have to say that I'm so over it. I've actually been working off and on at Yoder's since I was 15 so it's time to move on, I can't believe I've been working there for 16 years. Holy Crap that's a long time, way too long and honestly I'm pretty happy to be saying goodbye to that place. I will not miss the drama and all the gossip and everything else that goes along with working with a bunch of women. I'm not going to lie, I will miss some of the people I work with, like Abby. She's one of my favorites, I just love her. She's 10 years younger then me, but she doesn't act like it sometimes she more mature then me, but it's all good because that's just who I am ;) Abby really is like a sister to me and I'm going to miss her so much. There's a few other people that I'll miss working with but no more then a few, I'm ready to be away from that drama filled work place. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed my ramblings because well, that's what this post is, one big ramble :)

Changes Are Coming

 Well there's about to be a lot of changes in the coming months. We got the house in Morton so YAY, I can't even began to tell you how excited I am. I can't wait to decorate and do all that fun stuff, although I might need some help with the decorating so please feel free to offer your services ;) The closing date is set for March 11 although we probably won't move until the weekend of the 26th, THAT'S 10 WEEKS!!!!!! Yes that was me yelling. I can't believe that it's actually happening and we're really doing this, it all seems so surreal. I'm sure that it's going to hit me in a couple of days that holy crap, we're moving in 10 weeks and then I'm going to be an emotional wreck, oh well I'm a big girl, I can handle it. I think I can anyway. I also signed up for a new adventure today, I am now selling Stell & Dot. I'm a little nervous about it but it's a great way to make some extra money and I can set my own hours.And it's also a good way to meet new people so wish my luck on my new adventur. I'm pretty happy that I signed up under Carolyn because I know that she'll be there to help me get started and help me with whatever else I need. So this week has been full of making one decision after another and I have to say that if I don't have to make another decision for awhile, I'll be pretty happy :)

Blessings

  Why is it that we always focus on the bad things that happen to us instead of the blessings? Maybe it's because when terrible things happen they leave such an impression that it's hard for you to get over it. Maybe you think that it's so rare that good things happen to you that it's just hard to remember them. So yesterday was a very negative day for me so I decided to focus on some of the blessings I have in my life instead of the bad things. I know, i've been through a lot, I've lost a sibling, friends have come and gone, I've made some really bad decisions and just done some really stupid things but all the blessings that I have definitely outweigh that bad things. I have a great family who loves me no matter what even though I can be a bit tempermental and well, just flat out crazy.  I have an amzing husband and 2 perfectly healthy kids. Lamar is just a great husband and dad and Peyton and Lauren just adore him. Peyton is just like my brother Wendall, so it's kind of like a double blessing, he's a healthy, energetic little boy who LOVES baseball and loves to make people laugh. Lauren has such a tender heart and she's the sweetest thing ever who loves to sing, and that's putting it mildly. I have amazing friends who have been there to support me through some of the most difficult times in my life. They've been there through all the tears, laughter, fits of anger, and all my other emotions ;) These friends have no idea how much they mean to me and I just want to say that I love you all very much and I'm so blessed to have you guys in my life.

Thinking Postive

  When I get up in the morning I have somewhat of a routine, I wake Peyton up and get him ready for school and usually take him to school, unless my fabulous hubby does it. Anyway, when I get home I make some coffee and sit down to check facebook. Well someone's status intrigued me and I want to share it with you because it really got me thinking. What are you speaking over yourself on a daily basis? If you feel negative all the time it could what your thinking and speaking over yourself. Speak life and blessing over yourself and your family daily. This allows God to breathe life and light over you because He is light and He can't operate in darkness or negativity. As I'm sitting here blogging, I'm asking myself does this really work? Can you really think and act positve all the time, without seeming fake about it? Now most of you know me quite well and unfortuantely I'm a negative person and it's one of the things that I don't like about myself. But I also know that I can't be postive all the time, I mean I'm going to have bad days. If I was positive all the time I would think that people would start to think that I'm being fake and I'm trying to cover up something else that's going on in my life. I am one of those people that wears her heart and mood on her sleeve and it's pretty much all out there for the world to see. Another question I have is can God really not operate in darkness or negativity?  Even when I'm having a rough day and I'm just completely negative about everything, is God not there? If any of you can answer that question for me, please do so. I'm just really curious and I would love to know what your answer would be.

What Are We Really Doing This For?

  Last night we had VLT(vineyard leadership training) at church. It's always good to get together with all the other leaders and get some good prayer time. Well VLT is usually pretty emotional for me, not sure why but it just is. This week is just full of questions and wanting answers and basically what are we supposed to do now. Anyway, during worship time I was just really praying and crying out to God for some answers about the house(btw, sorry I keep talking about the move and the house, I promise it'll stop sometime soon ;) ) and I felt like God told me that I'm afraid for Him to show me what He can do. Or course I had to argue with God(which it doesn't work to argue with God because He always wins) about that first but then after I realized that it was true I was kind of shocked. I mean I know that God can do amazing things but I was shocked that I was actually scared for Him to show me what He can do. So during ministry time I went up for prayer and a couple of ladies prayed for me and one of them said that while she was praying she just kept getting the word reluctance and I just couldn't stop crying. She hit the nail on the head, I feel like for so long that I've prayed for things and nothing has happened so I put up a wall between God and myself. Or I just kind of pray half-heartedly, I wasn't praying with expectancy. I'm still working on praying with expectancy, I wish it was an overnight fix but unfortunately it's not. I know that God answers prayers in his own time but, i've said this before, it's so hard to just sit back and wait. So on the way home from VLT Lamar and I were talking and he asked me how my prayer time went and I told him that it went really well. I also mentioned that sometimes when I'm crying out to God, it's almost like an inner battle. I'm asking God for answers or praying about something specific and then all of the sudden doubt comes flooding in and I'm having this "argument" with myself, God, and doubt, now that would be an interesting picture to see ;) He went on to tell me that he feels like he's lost focus of why we're actually moving to Peoria. I totally agree with that, I mean, we're moving to Peoria to further His kingdom. And right now it's all about the house and schools. So I guess we need to refocus on why we're doing this and get back on track with what God asked us to do.

Healing Journey

 I started healing journey yesterday at church and I have to say that I'm pretty excited about going through this course for a 2nd time. The first time I went, I was so overwhelmed by everything that it was really hard to focus on "healing" those parts of my life. Anyway, so they have you do this genogram of your family(like what addictions, mental illness, just stuff like that that runs in your family) Well as I was working on this last night I remembered that I still had the one from the previous healing journey that I attended and I decided to pull it out and just see if it's any different then what I was working on. And honestly, it was quite different I even had to show Lamar about how different it was. It's amazing to me how a few years can change so many things, now obviously most of it stayed the same, but I think that depending on where you're at in your life you see and realize a lot more things, it was really interesting. Anyway, so in this class they also ask you to pray about some things that you should be fasting while taking this course. And I have to say that I was a little surprised/shocked/embarrassed by the first thing that God had asked me to fast, I didn't really think that I had a huge problem with this particular thing but the more I thought about it the more I realized that maybe I do. And honestly it's a little embarrassing, I mean I know that alcoholism runs in my family but I really didn't think I had a problem with it. I mean I can go weeks without it and be totally fine but when I do have a drink, it sometimes ends up being more then I probably should have. But I really feel that this is what God wants me to do so I'm going to do it and I know that He has asked me to fast alcohol for a reason. And of course, right now I miss it because it's something I can't have and it would be the same with a cheeseburger, if God asked me to fast cheeseburgers I would be craving one right now. It's so weird how that works, you always want what you can't have. I'm also fasting a few other things and it's things that I absolutely love to do but I think I can do this for 10 weeks considering all that God has done for us. And I know after these 10 weeks are up I'm going to be a much better person and I know that I'll have lots to share about what God has shown me or what He has done in my life. I know that the next 10 weeks are not going to be easy because I'm going to come face to face with some pretty difficult things. I also know that satan does not want me to get past some of my issues so I'm asking for prayer against any attacks and to stay strong in the next 10 weeks.

60 Days

 Have you ever wanted to just jump into the furture just a few days/months/years? I'm sure you have, I mean let's think about this, you just got engaged, can the wedding be here already? You just found out you were pregnant, can we skip ahead 9 months? It's the first day of your senior year of highschool/college, can we skip ahead to May? Well that's kind of how I'm feeling right now, I want to jump 60 days into the future. Where will we be by then? Will we be signing papers for a new house? Will we be moving? Will we be moved and we're still trying to unpack and find a place for everything? I just want to know where will be in 60 days, yes I'm a very impatient person so through this whole finding a house and moving process God has been "trying" to teach me patience. I have to say that I've learned to be a TAD more patient but not much more then a tad ;) I'm sure if we are moving 60 days from now, I will be in tears saying that I'm not sure I can do this but, on the other hand I'm very excited to see what God has in store for us(fogive me if I say that to much) Right now, I would be totally happy if we would put an offer on the house we found in Morton and we had a potential buyer for our house, unfortunately we don't have anyone. I know it only takes one person but it's so hard to sit back and wait. I'm reminded of what Lamar told me yesterday, as we were driving home we were discussing our options about this house that we found. Like should we put an offer on the house before we sell ours. Well let's go back a few months, this couple came to us and put an offer on the house before we even had it on the market and they've been pretty interested this whole time. So Lamar decided to call them before we relist out house with the realtor and unfortunately they are no longer interested. I just looked at him after he told me they didn't want it and I said that I feel like they were our only option to sell the house. He just looked at me and said, well now it's time for God to show us what He can really do. That statement has been going through my mind since Lamar said it, even though I want to jump ahead 60 days just to see where we'll be, I also am reminded that God's timing is perfect and if He wanted us over there yesterday, we would be there. If God wants us there in 60 days, we'll be there and so on. So right now, I have to sit back and allow God to show me what He can do.

Big Decisions.

  Today we went to Peoria to look at some houses and Peoria Christian was having an open house so we went and checked out the school because we're trying to decide if we can send the kids there or not. We went to the open house first and the people there are so nice and answered all of our questions so when we left Lamar was pretty sold on sending the kids there. When we got to the first house, we looked at 7, I was talking to the realtor and I told her that I think I'll know the right house when I see it. The first house was a no and the 2nd house was a bit more doable and after that the houses were either disgustingly dirty, which I know can be cleaned but they were gross, or they smelled like old people and moth balls. The houses that we looked at in Peoria were in nice areas and seemingly nice neighborhoods. Well we went to look at 3 other houses in Morton and I was super excited about one house in particular, we had seen the pics online and it looked perfect. We walked in the house and I seen the kitchen and I knew, this is the house I want. It just seems like the perfect house for us, whether or not it actually is I don't know for sure but it helps that Lamar liked it too ;) It has a finished basement with 2 possible bedrooms although I think one of them will be turned into Lamar's office. The other one will be the Angie-Amy and Eric room, but they won't share the room if they're in town the same weekend because well, that would be a little weird. Anyway, I told Lamar that I could see ourselves living in Morton and I feel completely comfortable and safe there, which is a plus especially when Lamar is travelling. So now we have some big decisions to make because our house hasn't sold yet, like do we go ahead and make an offer or do we sit back and wait until we sell our house. I know that God has everything under control but sometimes it's really hard to sit back and wait. So right now we could use lots and lots of prayers and we need to remeber that God is in control and we need to give it all over to Him.

Marriage

  This morning I went to breakfast with one of my best friends and during breakfast we started talking about marriage. As I was telling her about Lamar and I and some of the things we do, like we always pray together every night before we go to bed and when he's gone he prays with me over the phone stuff like that. I was telling her how the first year of our marriage was the most difficult and how far we've come from that and how much better our marriage is. Well I realized that sometimes you have to go through some really difficult things in order to be a stronger couple, and I have to say that the last 2 years were pretty difficult. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who stands by me and supports me in the most difficult times and at the time, what we were going through really sucked but I'm so thankful that we went through it together. We're much more open with each other and we can talk about things that we never used to talk about, I'm just so thankful to have such an amazing husband. I really don't know where I'd be without him and as I look back on our first year together there were times that I just wanted to get up and walk out and not look back, but man, I'm so glad that I stayed. God blessed me with such an amazing husband and father and I love him more and more everyday.

Prayer is an amazing thing.

  Well this last week has been a very weird week for me. I've been struggling with anxiety in a bad way, and let me tell you it's not fun. As I was talking to Lamar about it last night a few things came up as to what's causing it and one of the reasons was that  maybe we're not supposed to be moving to Peoria and it's just God's way of telling me. I had also mentioned that maybe it's because moving is becoming more of a reality then just "talking" about it. We're starting to move forward with the move and it's pretty scary. Anyway, we continued talking and I had to leave for Revolution and he prayed with me before I left and I did feel a lot better. Well when I got there I was talking to Doug Overmeyer and I told him what was going on and he said that he wanted to pray with me after Revolution. So during ministry time some kids/adults shared some words and I just started crying and I couldn't stop, which I kind of felt rediculous because Revolution is all about the teens not the adults. When it was time to pray for each other Doug came over and said that I think we need to pray for you right now, so he and Julie Mast prayed for me. And as they were praying for me I realized 2 major things, the first was that I have a lot of fear, which I think is valid. I mean, I've never lived anywhere else but Arthur so of course I'm going to be a little fearful and we're going to be experiencing all kinds of new things, so yeah, kind of scary. And the 2nd thing I realized was that I'm excited to go for all the wrong reasons. There's so many things that I'm excited to get away from and I'm ready for a new start, but I wasn't excited that God actually chose Lamar and I to go on this exciting journey. I really wasn't putting God in the equation at all. Now that I realize these things and I can actully pray against the fear I think it will shed a whole new light on this journey.

Coffee With Friends.

   This morning I went over to a friends house for coffee and as I was sitting there listening to about 5 different conversations(there was about 8-10 ladies there so lots of conversations going on) I realized how much I'm going to miss this. Once we move I won't be able to call up friends or go to a friends house for coffee and just have a good chat and hang out time. I'm not going to know anyone right away and that scares me a little. I rely on my friends so much and to not have them around me makes me incredibly sad. But on the other hand, I know that this is what God wants us to do and He's already got some pretty great friends lined up for me. Although, they will never take the place of the ones I have now. After I left my friends house this morning I told myself that I need to cherish every single moment with my friends, every time that I hang out with them or even run into them at the grocery store and have a little chat, I'm going to cherish it because I know that we won't be living in Arthur much longer.

A Sporadic Christian.

  So do you ever feel like you're just skating by in life just waiting for the next best thing or whatever is going to happen next? Well today it kind of hit me that that's how i've been living my life, I just don't want to live that way anymore. When I go to church I want to be excited about it and I want to look forward to doing my devotions and going to small group. But for so long I just felt like since I'm a Christian then I HAVE to do this, well I decided today that I don't want to have to do these things I WANT to do these things. I feel like most of my life I've been a sporadic Christian and who wants to live like that, not me and not anymore. So I've decided to add another "resolution" to my list and that's to be more disciplined in doing my devotions and digging deeper into the Bible. So as I start my "new" journey I could use all the prayers I can get, so if you think about say a quick prayer for me because I know that Satan is going to try to come in and mess everything up like he always does ;)

A Day Of Relaxing.

  Today was very uneventful, I did nothing but laundry and it was nice to not be running from one Christmas party to the next. Peyton went back to school today and I think he was pretty excited to get back on a schedule. I was never one to be so scheduled, well that is until I had kids, and these last 2 weeks have been completely unscheduled and it just about drove me crazy. I have to say that Lauren was very use to having Peyton around because about 9:30 she asked me when we were going to go get him from school and of course when we picked him up this afternoon they immediately started fighting. Oh well, there's no fighting now she's playing on the computer and Peyton is playing with play-doh. I always ask Lamar what parents did without electronics to keep their kids entertained. I know one thing, I'm very greatful for ipods or ds's, especially when we go out for dinner or travel, they're such a lifesaver and they keep me sane, well sometimes ;)

Am I Really Doing This????

  So this is day 2, so far I've kept going with my blog and yes I know it's only been 2 days but hey, that's good for me ;) Anyway I was trying to decide what to blog about tonight and I decided I'm just going to reflect on the past 2 years. I have to say that 2009-2010 was not a good  2 years for me, it was the most difficult 2 years of my life, something happened that I never thought in a million years would happen. My sister, the one person who I really looked up to and wanted to be just like totally let me down, she had an affair and got a divorce. How did I deal with this????? Not very well, these last 2 years have been one big emotional roller coaster, I've cried so many tears that I'm pretty sure we could have another ocean, but from this terrible experience I've also grown so much. I've become so much closer to my other sister Angie, which I have to give a shout out too because she's been such a great big sister and I love her to pieces, and it's brought me and Lamar a lot closer also. Don't get me wrong, I still hate what happened but on one hand I'm thankful for what happened. I know that sounds weird but unfortunately I was walking down the same path that Lisa was taking but she took that step and I didn't. It's the selfish part in me that is thankful that she did it and not me but yet, when I look back could I have actually done it, no I really don't think I could have. As I'm reflecting over the past 2 years I have to say that I'm definitely not the same person today as I was back then, I've grown so much and not just in my relationship with God but also in my realtionship with Lamar, which by the way is the most amazing husband ever ;) I've become my own person that has her own opinions and I don't live under anyone else's shadow anymore. I'm happy with who I am and who I've become but I don't want to stop there, I want to keep growing I don't want to be the average wife/mother/daughter, I want to be so much more.

   So I'm not going to bother explaing who I am and all that stuff because if you are reading this, you obviously know me and I like you well enough to allow you to read my blog :) I will warn you ahead of time, I'm not a fabulous writer so bear with me.
  Well I'm going to begin by saying that starting this blog is something that I've wanted to do for awhile but I never got around to it so why not start one now. Today is January 1st. and yes, I've made some New Year's resolutions and I'm hoping to keep them all. So far I've kept one resolution and that was to start a blog, so yay, 1 down and about 4 more to go. This year is going to be a year of lots of firsts for me and my little family. We'll be moving to Peoria, hopefully by March, and helping with a church plant. Now Lamar and I have never lived anywhere but good ol' Arthur, Illinois and needless to say, I'm pretty excited for this adventure. I know there's going to be lots of growth, tears, laughter,etc. but it's time for a change so bring it on. I've found myself saying "bring it on" a lot in the last couple of days and part of me has to ask myself, am I really ready for it or am I just saying that to try to psyche myself up for everything that's going to happen this year. Well if you continue to follow my blog I'm sure you'll find out if I'm actually ready for everything that's about to happen. So my goal with this blog is to write everyday so that way at this time next year I can look back and see what crazy adventure we went on. I'm very happy to say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011, last year was not a very good year for me and I'm hoping this is a year is a year that's just going to knock my socks off. So stay tuned, if you dare, and see what this year will bring.