Do any of you ever feel like you're sinking and there's nothing that you or anyone can do to get you away from feeling that way? I've been feeling this way for the last few weeks and it's just so frustrating, I feel like depression is sinking in and I HATE that feeling. I don't know if it's all the hormones or if it's the fact that there's going to be some major change going on in the next 6 weeks or if it's something deeper. When I feel like this I press into God more but it doesn't seem to work and honestly I'm so tired of feeling like this. I feel bad for Lamar and the kids because unfortunately they have to deal with it too. I just don't like the feeling that I can't get my emotions under control. I was healed from depression a few years ago and for it to try to make it's way back in my life is extremely frustrating. It's hard for me to accept that it is depression because I was healed from it and all I want to do is enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy before everything gets chaotic but I just can't seem to get to that point. I'm worried that whatever I'm going through is going to be harmful to the baby, which in turn adds fear and anxiety and of course that's not good for the baby either. I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I don't know where to go from here. Seriously, I sound like a complete psycho. One thing I can ask is that for those of you who still read this, if there is anyone that still reads this, to please just pray for me. I just want to baby to be healthy and normal and I want to feel like myself again so I could definitely use lots of prayers right now.

   So this blog hasn't gone the way I was hoping for it to go but hey, it's my blog and I can do what I want with it right??? ;) These past few weeks I've come to realize a few things about myself and really it's not things that I like, so yay, more stuff to work on to better myself. It seems like when you want to better yourself it's just a never ending process. Moving on, I've discovered that I really hate being by myself. I know it doesn't seem like it's anything major but really, I just hate it. I think it's just that I've gotten so used to Lamar being at home with me and when he's gone and the kids are at school I don't know what to do with myself. It's just very weird to me because I used to love when I was by myself, yeah not so much anymore. You would think that I would love this time that I have to myself, especially since we'll have a baby soon and then who knows when I'll get time to myself. I think it's just because it gives me to much to think about everything that's going on around me and in my life and honestly it just stresses me out. I just wish I could figure out why this has changed. It seems like my life got completely turned upside down when we moved and some of the things that never bothered me, bother me now and it didn't start until after we moved. Sometimes I just want to go back to the way things used to be, before we moved, then maybe I wouldn't have all these issues. Like I said, I know it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal but to me it is and it's just another thing that I'll have to pray through and deal with. I feel like my list of  "issues" is getting bigger and bigger :/

  We all have our struggles right? So why does it seem like your own personal struggle is worse then someone else's? The good thing is that in God's eyes, it's not worse then anyone else's. I'm slowly starting to realize that. I just love how gracious and forgiving God is, even though He knows that we sin everyday He continues to forgive and love us. He also knows our inner struggles and yet, still loves us. I strive everyday to be who God wants me to be and who He created me to be, but when I fall He's right there to pick me up. I used to think that God was this big, scary man that was just waiting to strike me down the next time I screwed up. I'm so thankful that I've learned that He's not like that at all, sometimes I do forget that He doesn't actually want to strike me down but just wants to love me. I'm so thankful that He's showed me that all He wants to do is just love me.

Family

  Yeah, I haven't blogged for a few days but I was a tad busy and our internet was not working right so I'm a few days behind. Oh well, no big deal right. Today I am so thankful for my family, they were here this weekend because the church had a baby shower for me and Mom and Lisa wanted to come for the shower. And after the shower we put Lisa and Mom to work, Dad was already busy sanding doors. Since I can't really do that much they offered to help out with whatever we needed to be done. Lisa did the trimming in Peyton's new room while Lamar painted and mom cleaned the bathroom. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was definitely a huge help. Angie was here too and she was working on the baby's blanket, so yes she helped out too, especially since I've been giving her a hard time about getting it done before we have the baby ;) I know my family isn't perfect and yes we've had our issues but I love that they're so willing to come and help out whenever we need it. Mom has offered to come over here one day before we have the baby to clean the house, and this is not going to be a Tanya clean this will be a Mom clean(which is way better then a Tanya clean) and yes, I'm very excited about having a "mom" clean house again ;)

   Today was a bit rough for me so I'm trying really hard to find something to be thankful for. I know that sounds bad but I'm guessing that everyone has days like today so I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It's just that I have all these hormones and emotions and there just so frustrating. I'm sure I've said this before but I don't remember being this "crazy" with my other pregnancies. I know it will go away soon but it's just hard to deal with. I guess one thing I'm thankful for is that kids are very forgiving. I've been a bit hard on them the last couple of days and it's not fair to them. I just feel like I've been sucking as a mom lately and I just need  to get these emotions under control and then maybe everything would get better, either that or just have the baby ;) Well maybe not yet because I still have 9 weeks left. Anyway, here's hoping to a better day tomorrow and a more thankful day ;)

Good Dr's

   Today I'm so thankful for the good dr's that I have with this pregnancy.  I had a dr's appointment this morning and it was just a regular check-up. Well over the weekend I hadn't really felt the baby move to much, I wasn't to worried about because I would feel a kick here and there. He just wasn't as active as he normally is and I just assumed that it was normal. So when the nurse came in and asked how I was doing and how the baby was doing, I mentioned to her that I hadn't really felt the baby move that much in the last couple of days. Well, within 5 minutes I was hooked up to a fetal monitor, they didn't waste anytime at all. I was on the monitor for about an hour and everything is fine but the nurse somewhat lectured me, mostly joking but a bit serious too. She asked me why I hadn't called in to talk to the dr and I said that I didn't want to be one of those ladies that calls for every little thing and she just looked at me and said, "Well, this isn't a little thing and if it happens again you need to call in." I'm just really glad that I have a dr who actually cares what's going on and doesn't pass me off as a crazy, pregnant lady.  I really hate switching dr's, especially when you're so comfortable with the one you had before so when we moved obviously we had to switch and I wasn't sure how I felt about the dr's here, but after today I'm glad with the decision that we made.

Happiness in a bag

  This is my own little happiness in a bag. I LOVE these little chocolate eggs. I could eat an entire bag at one time and usually when I buy them, I don't buy one bag I have to buy 2 or 3 bags. They used to only have them around Easter and I always told Lamar that I was going to buy enough to last me a year, I'm pretty sure that they have them around all the time and that makes me extra happy :)