Yes, yes it's been awhile since I've posted something but I haven't really had anything to talk about....until now ;) So before we moved to Morton I had a bit of a complex, ok well I have lots of them but I'm just talking about 1 in particular right now. For some reason, I didn't like being known as "Tanya Kauffman" the girl who used to party non-stop, the girl who used to date Lamar's best friend, Angie, Lisa, and Wendall's sister....you guys get the idea. I wanted to be known just as Tanya Schrock, and I realized tonight that that's who I am, just good ol' Tanya. So I need to back up a bit to let you know how I got to this point, hold on because it's super exciting, haha. I started going to a bible study at Grace Church here in Morton and the 2nd week I went I met this super sweet lady named Sonja. She was just one of those ladies that you know she is truly genuine and just has a good heart. We've been talking the last couple of weeks and I ran into her tonight at Peyton's soccer game(her son is on the same team as Peyton) well she introduced me to this other lady and so we were all chatting for a bit. And Sonja had told this other lady why we moved and all that good stuff, well as we continued talking it hit me. No one knows me as Tanya Kauffman, they know me as Tanya Schrock, the girl who's family moved to help with a church plant. I feel like God is saying that this is a new start for me and that I don't have to live in anyone's shadow. Now I don't want you to think that I don't want anyone to know my family or what I've been through or anything like that because I do love my family but sometimes it's nice to just be known for me. I just love seeing how God works, I mean, something like this might not be that big of a deal to someone else but for me, it's a pretty big deal. I have to say that I'm pretty excited to have a new start and I'm so thankful that God opened my eyes to this.

  Well I thought I was over this emotional roller coaster but apparently I'm not :( This week for some reason, has been particularly difficult for me, I have no idea why and I hate it. I've just felt this intense loneliness and I haven't felt this way for months now and I feel like it's back with a vengeance. I'm slowly feeling friends slip away and it kills me, I know things change when someone makes a move like we did, I know all that stuff but it's still so hard. I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will be fine but for now, I'm sitting here completely heartbroken because I miss my friends and that's all there is to it.

Another Breakthrough :)

  Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything on here, I've just been feeling blah and haven't felt like posting anything lately. Well I had a breakthrough and thought that this is definitely post-worthy. Most of you know that since we've moved I've had issues with staying by myself, I don't know why because before we moved I could stay by myself. It was getting really frustrating for Lamar and I because we've prayed about it and had other people praying for me and nothing, I almost felt like it was getting worse rather then getting better. I actually told Lamar that he just needs to find another job because this whole traveling thing isn't working out for me. So last Sunday Ben was talking about how to live your life more like Jesus and one thing that Jesus never struggled with was fear and worry, of course that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes I want to live my life like Jesus so I'm sitting there thinking how have I been living my life since we moved? I've been living in nothing but fear and worry. I decided that I'm done with that and I'm completely trusting in God to get through this, you think I would have thought about that before. Anyway, Lamar left early Wednesday morning and thankfully my day was somewhat busy, it helped keep my mind off that fact that I do have to stay by myself. With lots and lots of prayer that day I was able to do it, I stayed by myself and I was able to get a good night's rest too(normally I would be up all night) I know this might not seem like a big deal to some of you but it was and is definitely a huge deal to me to be able to do this. I know it's a huge relief for Lamar and I too. So thanks again for all your prayers, I know I couldn't have done it without them.

Rhino's??????

   So I have a funny story to share with you all. Most of you know that I went back on medication because I've really been struggling with anxiety and I don't really sleep that well. So I went to the dr. last week and he perscribed me some anti-anxiety meds and he also perscribed me ambien to help me sleep. He told me that one of the side effects of taking ambien is sleep walking....awesome. Well I was telling C about it and she told me that she's actually heard of people getting in their car and driving off so she told Lamar that he better hide my keys. Ok well thankfully none of those things happened to me last night but apparently I was talking lots of non-sense. I just remember talking a lot and Lamar telling me to just go to sleep, well he told me this morning that I infromed him there was a rhinoceros in the bathroom and he's going to be awhile so Lamar should just go ahead of him. Of course it's no Michael Jordan or buffalo dream(right L) but I still thought it was rather amusing. I will be taking a very small dose from now on, but hey at least I got a good night's sleep :)
  On another note, I have to give a big shout out to my awesome hubby. When I told him that I thought I needed to go back on meds. he didn't blink an eye. He just said ok, if that's what you need to do. I'm just so glad that I have such an amazing hubby who supports me no matter what. I'm just glad that he doesn't think I'm crazy and he loves me no matter what I'm going through and he supports with whatever I have to do to get better. So thanks babe, you really are the best. I love you!!!!

Admitting it is always the first step.....

  Why is it always so hard to admit when there's a problem? Maybe it's because we don't want people to think that we're going crazy or insane so we keep it bottled up until we feel like we're going to explode. And then when we actually do talk about it and let it out, it's a huge relief, it's weird how I always forget that. This season of life has turned out to be more difficult then I thought it would be, I wanted to appear strong and make people believe that I can actually do this, which I can do this but I just need a little help to balance things out and I just want to feel normal again.  There were days when the anxiety, fear, and worry just got to be to much for me and I just couldn't handle it anymore so that's why I'm going back on meds. until I can get this whole thing figured out. I know you all are probably thinking why in the world is she putting this in her blog, but I process things better this way and well it's my blog and I pretty much put everything out there. Like I said before I just want to feel normal again and I want to be happy again, I really didn't think it would be this hard but apparently it is. I'm just glad that I'm open about it now and it's out there and hopefully, I can get this thing figured out so if you can keep me in your prayers I would really appreciate. Thanks guys :)

Even the strong struggle.

  Last night we had our 2nd. "soft" service at Ben & Tina's and so on the way home I was asking Lamar how his prayer time went. I realized that even though he's been incredibly strong for me with all the stuff I'm dealing with that he's also struggling with things too. Lamar definitely doesn't put his struggles out there for everyone to see like I do but sometimes you forget that even the strongest people in the world still have down days. As we were talking last night we both said that we're so tired emotionally, mentally, and physically, now I knew this move would not be easy but I didn't think that we would be getting hit with one thing right after the other. Someone told Lamar last night that when we make a move like this, for God, that Satan pulls out all the stops trying to discourage us and whatever else he can do. Both Lamar and I know that this move was right for us and I know that God never said it would be easy but somedays it's hard to not think about how "easy" things were before we moved. I know we just have to get through this rough patch and yes, it's hard for me to not think about the fact that there might be something else waiting for us when we get through this rough time but I know that  God's going to help us get through this and He's also going to help us with anything else that comes up. Now, for me, it's definitely hard to remember God is always there, He might not come to our rescue right away but He's always there. I don't know why that's so hard to remember because when I look back over the years and all the stupid things I've done, He's there in every situation, He's saved me, He's protected me, and yet it's still hard for me to remember that. As I'm writing this I'm just reminded that when I do have a rough day or I'm struggling with something then I just let it consume me and I try to deal with it and fix it myself, and let me tell that has NEVER worked. You would think I would have that figured out by now ;)
   So I do have one more thing to add and this is more of me asking for prayer. Most of you know that I've been struggling with anxiety and fear and this past week it just seemed to be worse. I told Lamar last night that it's almost a crippling thing, to the point where I don't want to leave the house or anything like that, but then when Lamar is gone I don't want to be in this house. Yes, it's so weird I know but it's just how I feel. So basically I'm asking for an extra dose of prayer and maybe some insight or anything, I'm trying so hard to get over this fear and anxiety and I want to be free from it but it just seems like it's getting worse.

Changing my way of thinking.

   As most of you know that since we've moved we've had our share of challenges and yes, it's so hard to NOT focus on all the things that have gone wrong and just things that we've struggled with. I mean it's really hard to not think about our drain backing up 4 different times, the basment flooding, spending all day trying to unclog the toilet, fixing the car, needing new tires for the car immediately, so far I think that's everything....for now. So I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things that have happened and everything that we've been blessed with. We have a great house for hosting small group, cook outs or just having friends come and visit for the weekend, we live in a safe and quiet neighborhood. Lamar has a great job that has allowed him to work from home and has also allowed me to be a stay at home mom, although there are some days that I wish I did have a job. We have 2 healthy kids that are bursting with energy, I have some pretty great friends who even though we've moved, they've definitely stayed in touch and made the effort to keep the friendship going. And most of all, I have God in my life and no matter what He's always going to take care of us, no matter what happens. He's never let me down so why would He start now. I think the coolest thing is that even though we have all these extra bills right now, it always seems that we have enough money in the bank to cover those bills for that month, so thank you God :) It's so easy to sit back and focus on all the things that seem to be going wrong in your life, but after I have my little sulking moment , I'm always reminded that it could be worse.